The World Inside.

When the old ego scripts were failing to find contentment for me day after day. I was lost. I had identified with them for what seemed/seems like forever. I do not remember a time before them. Though I do suspect I remember, often in a wordless way, the original/real me (the “I am”) and maybe earlier ego scripts I’ve identified with.

Looking back it appears ego scripts have been suggested to my mind (ego system?) by people around me or people’s ego scripts expressed and preserved (through books, music, movies, video, etc.). Some ego scripts others showed me my “I am” loved, it wanted to flow into them/live them, but it didn’t know how. These beautiful, good, and true ego scripts were stored inside me (my ego system) in my memory. There was a vividness to them, a pull. Through life when they would pop up internally before my “I am” they never appeared ugly or bad, but my faith in the scripts being possible to be lived in for me or for anyone was always quite low. Quickly they would be deemed a beautiful, good, impossible dream and “I am” would turn attention to something else. When I look back those ego scripts I feel appeared before me very end goal laden. While my “I am” loved that end goal picture before me, my “I am” didn’t yet seem able to see any of that goal already before me in the present or any paths (steps) in the present moment that could be smoothly taken that would be a path to that end goal (while at the same time having the good and beauty of that goal already within it). This feels difficult to express. I am still learning how to express how my inner world seemed and is, and how I interacted and now interact with it.

It feels an important shift happened within me when my old ego scripts I had been flowing into/living (as opposed to just storing and sometimes studying) started commanding, it felt like, my “I am” to do things so powerfully against what the “I am” loves. It’s as if alarm bells went off. I couldn’t yet ground “I am” (couldn’t find myself), but I was staring into those ego scripts which I had picked up each morning and flowed into effortlessly for so long and the flow was suddenly being stopped as my “I am” seemed to be saying “NO” run it again this output (these actions) you suggest do not reflect who I know i am, run it again, and over and over ugly, un good, untrue outputs, run it again!. And exhaustion set it. My “I am” had no distance yet to understand what was happening. But the journey to that understanding was hitting a point, important times of accelerated growth were right ahead. Though in that time, in the moment, I felt I was in one of the darkest places of my life. It seems to have been the dark night of my soul. But within my ego system sending out the old ego scripts over and over(the one’s I had been choosing to flow into/live all my life), but outside my attention in the moment, lay the ego scripts “I am” loved. Their moment was near.

2 thoughts on “The World Inside.

  1. Unless we awake, we are usually slaves to our ego. Blind to the truth. Understanding the 1 in I am changes everything.

    I am in this case being the name of the Divine hence addressing the Divinity in us and everyone every time we use the words. All is one, separation is a false concept.

    I like how you’ve explained your experience and your understanding of the subject is very admirable. Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

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