Where I Am This Week

Interacting With Myself (My Inner Child)

For as long as I can remember I ignored, criticized, judged, or rejected my feelings. That was just how I interacted internally with myself. I vaguely recognized it wasn’t healthy, but I didn’t know a different way of being. I assumed everyone else’s inner worlds looked like mine. To me that was just the reality of internal life.

Through this journey of change I am learning to feel my emotions more freely. It can be overwhelming. I feel so much. It also seems as I have been accepting and hearing my emotions more freely my emotional landscape appears different. Anger and frustration have always been common and familiar emotions within me. Maybe shortly before my journey back to self or at the start of it (it’s not clear to me when this whole process started) my anger began morphing into a type of internal chaotic rage. That period of rage was brief but scared me. But anger and frustration seemed to be my constant companions.

I noticed over the last few months however that my familiar emotion of anger has largely faded and a new emotion seems to have taken it’s place – sadness. It feels like progress to feel this sadness, because I suspect it was sadness that was the hidden fuel of the anger. Sadness is the true face behind the mask of anger I wore and saw for so long. Even though sadness has been with me all along, I find it difficult and painful to feel and manage. I am not familiar with accepting and feeling sadness. I notice it tends to make me flee inwards. I have been practicing the habit of sitting with, listening to, comforting, and offering guidance to my sadness.

A New Voice?

When I had moments to myself this week I naturally glided into the habits I have formed to give my sadness time to express itself and be heard and understood by me. I would pick up a self help book or start working on a playlist of music to capture my journey, but something inside of me seemed uninterested. There was a push back within me towards the activity. At first I interpreted this push back to be an attempt by me to resist painful but needed action. It is common for me to fearfully flee what I truly want to approach. But as this new feeling of push back continued to arise over the week, it captured my interest. I started listening more deeply to the feeling and observed it appeared to be saying “Play, let’s have fun!”.

This is a message I have almost never heard from within. It confused me. I have spent the last couple months practicing getting in touch with my heart, my inner self. Hadn’t I found my heart, and inner self to be deeply hurt and sad? I imagined it would be disrespectful to my inner self to listen to and live this playful feeling. I feared it was a compassionless abandoning command to “stop being sad and be happy please”. I worried it would re-inflect on my inner self exactly what wounded me so much as a child. But these were my fears speaking, when I observed past them I saw the situation more clearly.

This new push back feeling wasn’t a new but familiar insensitive and dismissing voice commanding me to just be happy, it was my inner self speaking in a way I had never heard before. It was my inner self feeling and sharing a less familiar emotion – joy and playfulness. It seems by letting myself feel my sadness, by sitting with it, and looking on it with compassion it freed me to start feeling more joy. My inner self now sometimes wants to listen to happy music, be silly with the kids, dance, sit and watching a TV show just for fun. It isn’t insensitive, numbing, or disrespectful to me to feel and live these joyful and playfulness moments, it would be insensitive to me to judge, criticize, or reject them and needlessly push a serious activity on myself.

Joy and Play

I am accepting these joyful and playful feelings when they arise, I am enjoying them. When I get free time now I try to listen to what I want to do right in that moment. Maybe I do want to put in hard work for a long term project, maybe I do want to do some difficult inner work, maybe I am hurting and want to work on expressing and understanding it, maybe there is a chore I want to get done, maybe I just want to have fun. This tuning into how I feel and building up a trust with myself that I will know and respect how I feel in the moment, makes even difficult and boring task more peaceful to me. I notice I have been getting more chores around the house done this week through this listening to when I am ready to do them and not forcing myself. In some ways this all doesn’t make sense to me, but I guess I am learning to respect myself and that alone makes me happier and more efficient.

I believe what I needed as a child, I am learning to give myself now. I am learning to be in touch with and responsive to myself in the moment. I am building the inner strength to love strong enough to go to wherever I am emotionally in the present moment. To sit there, to listen to myself, to comfort myself, to encourage myself, to praise myself, to guide myself. And as this happens more and more a trust and faith builds with myself. A beautiful proclamation arises from the deepest parts of my inner self: “I am never and will never be alone again!”.

9 thoughts on “Where I Am This Week

  1. This is so touching and beautiful. I also went through that rage stage before the deep sadness. I read that it due to us having repressed our True Self for so long. I totally agree that the more we make friends with the sadness the more we can open to joy. I feel the sadness is about what happened then that we can NEVER CHANGE.. but its also a message of what was missing and you are SO RIGHT. we can give it to ourselves..

    Was your upbringing very serious and steeped in a lack of joy and humor/ I know mine was now I love it when that silly side comes out.. I know I share a lot about sadness in my posts but often happiness burst out of me too and I just find myself laughing..

    This was wonderful to read. ❤

    Like

    1. This all rings as so true to me! Something really hit me when you said sadness is about what happened we can never change. That is so true. I think I also struggle to hold faith that the future IS CHANGEABLE, I fear it will be a continuation of the past living through me almost. I will be hurtful like I’ve been hurt. But I am hopeful that by starting this journey of inner work and reconnecting to my true self I am reconnecting to and learning a love that heals wounds and is playful and joyful.

      Also, it’s interesting you asked if my upbringing was serious and lacked a sense of joy and humor. It did. I’ve never thought too much about it, I just thought we were all serious people. I didn’t realize until recently there was such joy and playfulness within me. I now recognize my childhood home was a place where people were deeply sad, angry, or fearful. It almost seems like it created a sense of joy and playfulness being insensitive and disrespectful.

      Thank you so much for sharing your insights about this all and your own journey. I know it takes courage. You are such a support to me. Empowering me to step into my true self, and start building the confidence to accept I am and always have been enough. You are a blessing!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Sounds like we had the exact same childhood.. I am only lately really discovering the innocent joyful child I was, I still cover her over at times.. but I am learning and you help you, you really do.

        You are also a blessing. And if you feel supported by me that makes my heart soar.. it means I do have a useful purpose on this planet.

        Lots of love, encouragement and hugs.. xoox

        Liked by 1 person

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