A New Home

“Homeward bound
I wish I was
Homeward bound
Home where my thought’s escapin’
Home where my music’s playin’
Home where my love lies waitin’
Silently for me”

Simon & Garfunkel’s song Homeward Bound played on my shuffle radio. The lyrics “home where my love lies waiting silently for me” spoke straight to my heart. It feels like I am learning a new home. My emotional “home” for so long has been with my parents, I feel I have been obsessively seeking their approval and love my whole life. They were where I thought I needed to be.

But as I tune into my heart and listen I can hear my heart’s love longs elsewhere now. I am not merely searching for someone else’s love anymore, but striving to share my love with my husband and children. Where they are is where “my love lies” and I feel they are “waiting silently for me”. I do not feel I need to be with them, I feel I want to be present and live life with them. They are the chosen home of my heart, my new home.

As I reflected on this song and all the thoughts and feelings it brought up in me, I had a beautiful daydream about my parents. This was my daydream…..

“I see my parents pure.

I hug them.

They hug me

And say,

“Focus on your children now,

I wish I had”

And all at once I’m healed and free

A life of living love lies before me.”

2 thoughts on “A New Home

  1. Thank you for sharing this. Going through a very similar process here. Struggling to understand if and how I can forgive my parents, is it even possible, how was it possible for them to cause so much pain to their own child? Did they know? Were they aware? Could they help it? So many questions. Am I unconsciously doing the same to my loved ones? When I hurt someone in the past, was I aware? Was there a choice? Then realizing how emotionally tied I was to my parents. Almost as though I could not understand where I ended and they began. Listening to a spiritual teaching one day, I heard this idea – we create these deep invisible ties with others, that can be very unhealthy and abusive to both parties. So the idea of quiet internal ritual of cutting the ties appeared. At first it was unclear and unthinkable. Having committed to it though, I began to feel things changing, and the same thing you describe appeared very clearly – family is with my loved ones, my husband and child, family/home is inside me. Take my eyes away from the past and look inside the present, the love that is already here, not the love that I spent decades seeking from people who had none to give.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I relate so much to what you’ve shared here. The deep, terrorizing feeling really, that maybe I’m hurting my loved ones the same way I’ve been hurt but can’t see it. I become so confused, doubting everything, I’ve learned in these moments to try to remember and cling to my dreams. I know almost nothing with certainty, I know that, but I do know one thing, and that is what my heart longs for. I find bringing my dreams into my focus, can ground me when almost nothing seems able to. My heart LOVES others, my mind struggles to see other people clearly and it often fears other people, but something inside of me longs for loving connections with other people. My love longs to be expressed freely and truly felt by those around me. It is my beautiful dream.

      Most of my life though I have hid my love away from others and myself. It seems I unconsciously feared and disliked myself because I believed I was “dangerous/hurtful” to those I love.

      My internal feelings towards my parents are very mixed. Sometimes my inner anger towards them seems to be totally gone, it seems to have revealed itself to be at a deeper level pain and sadness. And I feel a grief especially as I see my own children and as I realize how I want to be there for them always and feel they are the inspiration for all this change and work within me, yet how I’ve always myself felt so emotionally alone and unseen. Becoming a mother, and growing a mothers heart, has shattered my inner child, it’s hard to put into words but I feel I’m realizing everything I never had. And also feeling confused as to why I never feel this sort of love from my parents. Do they not feel it? Do they not show it? Or do they feel and show it but I am somehow to blame for not feeling it, are my expectations too high? I feel I have been telling, displaying, pleading with, crying out in hurt, in rage, my whole life for my parents to see ME, but it feels all they have ever seen is the version of me they love and ignore the real me.

      I suspect, because of their own childhoods, they have lost sight of their inner child self. They feel unconsciously how I used to always feel unconsciously, they don’t see and accept and love themselves for who they are. I suspect they are afraid of themselves and me. I suspect until they do inner healing and integrating, until they learn to love themselves more fully, they will always only see the pieces of me they find acceptable in themselves and fear and push away and ignore the rest of me. Focused on fleeing fears, as opposed to pursuing love. I feel for them, I know so well that sort of life. I hope they are able to find healing and acceptance and love for themselves, and maybe at some point in my path I can be a force of good energy for them in that direction.

      Yet still I grieve for what it has meant for me. I am still very much in a confused state about it all. Like you I have read about and realized that my parents somehow became unhealthy interwoven within my own internal system. I was unable to take care of myself properly, because I was always taking care of “us”, making sure we were okay, like you said I couldn’t see where I ended and they began. I was almost always frustrated and unhappy, I don’t believe our inner systems are designed to run like that. It was overwhelming, confusing, painful, and there was an awareness I think of it’s inappropriateness and how it was causing me to ignore my own needs…which I experienced as an anger towards my parents. I do feel I am starting to understand my boundaries better now, and am getting more in touch with what my hearts wants and its priorities. And I do find a rage will sometimes well up within me towards them still, and I try very hard to stay with it now, to be there for it, to listen to and understand it. I believe hidden behind those rage feelings is usually a crying child me, who feels so alone and unheard. Who is crying out desperately just to be seen at all, who feels in order to be given any sort of serious attention she must go to extreme emotions, but I am trying to show her that now I am here. I am strong enough to bear it all, and I love her enough to bear it all, so I can reach her and sit by her and tell her “I understand, it makes sense you feel this way, I am here with you”.

      As always thank you so much for sharing your hearts journey in your comment. I appreciate it so much, and am grateful our paths crossed on here. I feel I learn so much from reading your perspective. If you ever want to stop by my blog to just share where you are or something you’ve learned or anything, feel free to comment anytime even if it’s not directly relevant to my post. Or private message me (if that exists on WordPress) if you’d prefer. I enjoy your perspective. Wishing you lots of love.

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