Where I Am This Week (1/25)

The Experience of Healing

I think my rational mind is in a confused place, but my feeling self has some understanding of where I am and where I am going. I am healing, which feels like a stirred up mix of pain, love, anger, confusion, compassion, peace, insight, learning, grief, hope, and hopelessness all at once. Healing/returning to my true self is not easy for me, but it is becoming easier. There is more often a peace and acceptance, an understanding, that this is what healing feels like. I’ve been here before, I live here more now. And I am so grateful for that. Much of my life before this I feel I was stuck suffering. Maybe a more positive way to see it is – I was learning how to return back to my real self/heal myself by testing out and putting aside the many ways which would not bring me real healing.

New/Old Hobbies

In the last month or so I have picked up a few new/old hobbies and naturally that means I have been putting other hobbies aside for now. The hobbies I have been picking up and enjoying have been art (painting and drawing alongside my kids), learning to play the keyboard and studying how music works, and poetry. The hobbies I haven’t been spending as much time on are reading books and writing.

I used to read books almost daily. I spent most of my free time reading. But my pull to it has lessened. It makes me wonder was my reading often in search of some sort of emotional relief. I did often read self-help books of some form or another. Though I did occasionally read fiction, and oddly enough I do feel quite a pull to that now. Fiction feel different to my mind, an adventure, a story to follow, fun. Often my non-fiction reading was heavy. I highly doubt my days of reading non-fiction are over. I do love to learn, and books are a major source of information for me. But recently my energy seems to be pulling elsewhere, and though I observe how odd it is for me to be suddenly reading so little, I feel content following my energy where it leads.

And a hobby my energy has been leading me towards is playing the keyboard. I have been finding such a flow as I practice learning songs I love and learning to make songs of my own. I tried to learn to play the keyboard about 10 years ago, but never got far. It is the same story with drawing and painting, I have been quite into art before.

Seeing My Old Sketchbook From a New Perspective

A few weeks ago I got my old art sketchbook, from 5 or so years ago, out to get some paper from it. In the process of getting the paper I flipped through and saw my old drawings. It was an interesting experience as I felt such strong emotions. I saw my unfinished sketch of my cat, my brother as a little boy with our pet bird on his shoulder, a blue jay, etc. with such different eyes. I used to be so full of judgement towards everything, and very deeply towards my own creative expressions. But I didn’t feel that as I looked through my sketchbook, I saw my art with the eyes I look at my children’s art. A heart’s representation of the world as seen from its perspective, often the beauty it sees and the joy it feels. I felt a sense of “These are very sweet. I can see your love in these. They look wonderful.” I felt joy as I received these kind words said internally to myself. I felt my own love.

But then it arrived, the regret and sadness, for how I used to treat myself/judge myself and the consequences that judgement had. The sadness and regret of the sketchbook being largely empty. How much beauty could have been on these pages and how much joy of expression and creating I missed out on. Also, how much growth it would have brought to my art skills all those hours of practice.

Next arrived the feelings of confusion, the wondering why I had ever treated myself so harshly. Confusion often brings a sense of urgency to my mind, I feel a pressuring “I need to figure this riddle out now!”. And still mixed in was the simple remembering of how it used to feel to hear the endlessly same and repeating verdict of “It’s not good enough. This is bad. No one likes this. Everyone thinks you are embarrassing yourself.” What if I said that to my son when I set eyes on his art. My mind often becomes so lost in my own confusion, I wonder how could I have ever been so unconsciously and blindly cruel to myself? And quickly I then fearfully wonder, looking back, how cruel have I blindly been to others?

I feel my fearful mind can really run full sprint into its own confusion and drag all of me along with it and I feel a sort of undefined panic. I feel disorientedly confused, but also like I must act or figure out some answer immediately. I am starting to recognize my confusion and fears can pull me to rush into such a dark inner state. A state where I judge myself as being dangerous to others, as being bad, as being someone I hate and who is “worthy of hate” (though I don’t believe anyone is “worthy of hate”, yet somehow emotionally I seem to believe I am the exception). The fact that I do fall into such a dark place frustrates me. But I am trying to practice acceptance and patience. I am living, learning, and healing, one day at a time, one feeling at a time, one confusion at a time, right here in the present.

13 thoughts on “Where I Am This Week (1/25)

  1. You are being so honest. I do think the battle with our introjected inner critic is an epic one..You have been sharing with me so much of how you see your own reaction to your true self mirroring that of both parents. I do feel you are going to take an exponential leap forward really soon.. I read a great thing last night about healing it said it involved two things.. one.. mourning all we did not get to have and be and two learning to play and have fun be spontaneous and reach for joy. maybe that is what your art gives you.. I am reading less self help lately too… and poetry is so healing.. you are doing so well.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you so much for your thoughtful and supportive comment. I can’t put into words how much of a blessing you’ve been to me. I feel you see the real me, and accept her. You understand me. Which isn’t something I’ve really felt from anyone before. So many of your suggestions have been huge in my growth and healing, but most of all feeling accepted and understood by you. It is a special gift you’ve shared with me, and I will be forever grateful. You are a kind, sensitive, compassionate, wise, creative, honest, and understanding soul. Thank you so much for sharing your heart ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This is so beautiful. It has been so similar for me… My relationship with reading has transformed so much. I went from inhaling fiction my whole life and finding such sweet relief in it to completely dropping it years ago, because it was “not productive or educational”. Then I found myself in love with various spiritual books as they felt uplifting and clarifying. And finally few years ago, I heard a spiritual teacher say that we do not need to read or learn anymore, that deep inside we already know everything we need, and that reading was just a way to keep our mind busy. It rang true to me and I stopped reading completely. Then I missed reading. Long story short, it has been an interesting journey and I am back to reading and enjoying it when I feel like it and not reading when I don’t. It is so sweet not to follow any dogma in my head and simply following the heart’s desires.

    Incidentally, as this Unfolding was happening for me, I also picked up piano and painting. I even started to take piano lessons, but painting quickly took over all my time and interest, and I had to choose it over the piano. For me too, painting was such a great Teacher of Love and Patience and dropping perfectionism and self judgement. It felt like everything in my life was a Teacher of Love, if I only listened deeply enough. 🙂

    Liked by 4 people

    1. It never ceases to amaze me how much I relate to what you share from your own journey. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with me. I so enjoy reading your comments, and I feel I learn from them too. That last sentence you wrote “It felt like everything in my life was a Teacher of Love, if I only listened deeply enough”, hit me as so profound. You put it so simply. It’s something I think I have been noticing, but hadn’t been able to grasp until you phrased it like that. Yes, I do believe that is true for me too.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Your healing trajectory seems so familiar to me, as I went through similar feelings and revelations. The whole up and down, forward and backwards directions we go through are perfectly normal during our healing, I found out.

    Somehow (collectively as a society) we seem to have gotten the idea that there’s actually a straightforward path on our healing journey, where we progress logically from a to b to c to d, etc. In reality we might start at m, to go b then c, jump to t, return to a, revisit b, c, d… you see, the forward- backwards thing is closer to the reality that we all experience.

    Keep going! Our learning keeps continuing!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. I definitely tend to think of this all as once I get to a certain point I won’t fall back into an older state. This thought can add unnecessary stress and upset when I feel “I’m falling back into my old ways”.

      When I read your comment I felt such a sense of peace to hear these forward and backwards directions are to be expected. Your words will be a blessing helping shore up my faith in this process and myself next time I feel myself descending into a low. Faith brings me such peace over my confusion. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s my pleasure! It’s normal to feel stressed when we “slip backwards “ for we fear that all we’ve worked so hard on will slip away. I’ve come to see that when we understand what is normal and give ourselves permission to just “be” that so much of that stress goes away!

        Perfectionism in our healing adds to our stress because being perfect is almost impossible, yet we place that expectation upon ourselves!

        Liked by 2 people

  4. You’re very insightful! And it’s a pleasure to read such honest writing.. I feel like my rational mind / feeling self are a little at odds as well, but I guess that’s the beauty of coming back to yourself.. Trying to find that oh-so delicate balance 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s