Where I Was Last Month (May) And This Week (6-24-21)

(Written in May)

Beginning to Process A Heavy Mood

I am currently processing and being with one of my heaviest moods. This emotional state I get into seems to be one of the most disconnected from my more unified sense of self. Coping skills that work brilliantly for other moods, seem to make this mood worse. There is a distrusting, aggressive, and mocking attitude it seems to possess towards what feels like “me”.

It feels like this mood descends on me quite frequently, and probably has most of my life. The mood has a teenage feel to it, and I suspect it was during my teenage years when I first started experiencing this mood. I probably lived more of life in this mood in the past. However I may have been unable to see it as clearly as I do now, since I did not have as much joy and peace to compare it too. It is the intense reappearance and struggle with this mood that led me to attend counseling again.

I don’t understand what sets it off yet. But it comes on suddenly and it feels heavy and empty. In that emotional mood I feel nothing towards people who I know I love. And that upsets me and angers me. But the mood doesn’t care, doesn’t care about anything or anyone. And definitely doesn’t care what “I” think about it. Seems to hate me. Thinks I destroyed my life. And that there is no chance of any good outcomes. It tends to urge me to seek comfort in “nature”, who “won’t judge me/who loves me”. It has self-destructive urges, that disturb and frighten me. I try to encourage it, mention how many people wound be there to help it. It has a very mocking attitude. States they will help me for a day, and then be gone. I just feel so emptied out in this mood. Only grief and guilt about the past, and hopelessness and indifference towards the future.

I am trying to be patient with this emotion. And accept it as it is, even in its mocking and anger.

The only thing so far that does seem somewhat promising with the emotion is simply to gently tell it/remind it “It’s okay, you are okay, those you love are okay. It’s okay to feel this way. You are safe. Those you love are safe. It’s okay. You’re okay.” I felt a lifting in that, and it seemed to offer me a simple path forward to show kindness and support for myself. After softly whispering that out loud over and over, I felt the desire to have a cup of tea. I felt a lifting in all that, a being present, being less overwhelmed.

I don’t know what this mood is. And I don’t know why is descends on me. But I would like to address it, process it, hear it, and help it.

A Second Stage In Processing

(I believe this comment I left to a friend on WordPress in the thick of processing the heavy mood captures a shifting in my perspective towards the mood.)

(Written in May)

“I am in such an intense place recently. Really struggling with so many overwhelming emotions. I’m feeling it physically and mentally more than I’m used to. Struggling to function. But I’m hanging in there and reminding myself this is likely part of a loving freeing, finding, listening to, and being with my true self. She’s held so much in for so long, so much suppression.But as those inner forces that have been holding the real me down are lowered, I connect more and more with her in a deeper way and unlike in the past I’m not going to criticize or push her away now. Even if the left over of my old inner system of suppression rises up, to it believes protect me, I feel I know a better way now. It’s all okay. I’m okay. Even though I fear how I feel at moments in this anxiety, grief, guilt, helplessness, emptiness, and brain fog. It feels like I’m cycling quickly through intensity and numbness.

But I will not abandon her. Because I see more clearly now, who I really am, the natural intuitive sensitive me, is kind, smart, good, and loving. I or no one else has anything to fear from her. All she wants is to live as herself. And I believe that is what is best for her and everyone else. I am worthy to live my life as myself, we all are.”

A Third Stage in Processing

(Written In June)

I am still in a haze of sorts trying to stay with and work through this complex mood. I have come to suspect my Inner Critic is very much active within me against this mood. And I am realizing my frustration and impatience towards this mood isn’t helpful by any measures. It is a case of me giving myself, what I am used to receiving from my family of origin. But I believe I have come to know better than that now. I believe what is best for me and everyone around me is for me to listen to this mood and understand what it is trying to communicate to me.

I notice when I tried to take a more loving and calm stance with this mood, accepting it as how I am feeling and being gentle with myself and my “lack of functioning” right now, I felt a release of sorts. It seemed much of the intense feelings of self-hate, weakness, feeling life was unbearable, wasn’t actually coming from the mood itself it was coming from my Inner Critic’s judgment and view of the mood.

The inner critic side of me wants to see emotional strength and productivity in my day to day life. If I struggle emotionally or with my day to day tasks, it declares I am “pathetic” and “weak”. It seems I naturally believe those verdicts, and then fall further and further into a negative state. Or maybe it’s not so much I believe these judgements of the Inner Critic, but more I am torn down by them. To be vulnerable to one’s self, and be met with harsh judgements, does nothing to help build an understanding and work through a difficult emotion or establish peace and contentment within.

There is a sense even the “self destructive” thoughts that so disturb and upset me in this mood, are actually more coming from the Inner Critic’s frustration and hate towards the mood as opposed to the mood itself. It’s more like hearing “YOU have nothing to offer anyone, something is wrong with YOU” from someone you love as opposed to actually feeling that way yourself. It’s complex, but it was a relief to realize that it wasn’t so much life I can feel the urge to escape as much as this harsh inner voice that seems to value “me” only in terms of my ” functioning”, “productivity”, and “strength” and when I falter goes on a tirade against “me”.

Maybe at some point, this style of inner self talk was deemed necessary by my mind, but it feels wholly destructive to me and ironically destructive to my smooth functioning in life. I want peace from that voice, I need peace from that voice.

When I try to reflect on what the heavy mood itself is feeling before all the inner critic’s judgements and labels rise up, it is probably something like immense helplessness, loneliness, hopelessness and grief. If I imagine any other human feeling this way, I would not be proud treating them how my inner critic treats me. Who yells and demands productivity and displays of emotional strength to a human heart that is hurting. First one must listen, and I believe if I listen well and patiently, I will come to understand this mood. And somewhat naturally I will find myself showing her love, and with that healing and release for this part of me to shift her energy into a new direction in life. But first she must be heard, she knows something, and I need to hear it.

14 thoughts on “Where I Was Last Month (May) And This Week (6-24-21)

  1. “The inner critic side of me wants to see emotional strength and productivity in my day to day life. If I struggle emotionally or with my day to day tasks, it declares I am “pathetic” and “weak”. It seems I naturally believe those verdicts, and then fall further and further into a negative state.”

    This resonates with me so much.

    My inner critic wants me to be productive all of the time, and tells me I’m lazy if I’m not (even if what I’m doing is ‘busy work’ and of little value).

    I’ve been working through this a lot and I’ve found naming my inner critic (I call him Brian) has helped.
    It also helps to know that we’re programmed to think like this, some people have it worse than others, but knowing that everyone is hard on themselves in their own heads helps me feel a bit less alone with it.

    I’ve also heard that trying to talk to myself like a friend helps too, thought I find this one hard to do.

    I’m definitely getting less carried away in my negative self talk than I used to, so that’s progress.

    It was really insightful and helpful to see the processing of your thoughts and emotions over time, thanks for sharing.

    I wish you luck in making peace with your inner critic.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with your own inner critic. I’m going to try to name my inner critic, maybe that will give me a little distance and also make it easier to recognize when that voice has come online.

      I do try to catch myself talking to myself in a way I wouldn’t talk to a friend. And when I do I try to imagine it was a friend feeling how I feel, and think of what I’d say to them. I really use my imagination here and picture a friend is before me and they are sharing their experience, I find that helps me find a softer voice to use towards myself.

      I feel I am making progress too. Even just the recognition of the inner critics existence within me is a huge step forward from where I was a few years ago. I was fully wrapped up in it before, with no distance to learn a new way of interacting with myself.

      I feel it’s a wonderful journey we are on. Thanks for sending your support to me and sharing your own journey with me. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks for the tip, I’m going to try your friend visualisation, I think it will help.

        Awareness is definitely a big step forward, for me it allows that moment to pause and reflect.

        I really enjoy reading your blog because it reflects so much of what I feel/have felt. I feel like if we ever went for a cup of coffee we’d never stop talking 😂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I feel the same way about reading your blog! Haha, I imagine we would have so much to chat about. Until WordPress, I never knew there were so many other people like me. It’s nice to not feel so odd anymore!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I have been thinking of you, and noticed you had read some of my blogs, so I came to yours to see how you are doing. When I am struggling with my “inner critic”, it helps me to identify what the lie is that I am believing and what is the truth, so that I can then choose what voice takes precedent in my brain. Here is a blog that shares a story about this–and I hope clarifies what I am saying. 🙂 https://katiesencouragementforyou.home.blog/2019/10/31/truth/ Have a wonderful, wonderful weekend!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aw, it’s very kind of you to check in with me. I appreciate you sharing your own experiences with your inner critic with me. I do believe I am gradually moving into somewhat of a security with Him as opposed to focusing on each judgement and value of those around me. I hope with time my inner critic will sound more and more like Him, leading with the power of love and encouragement. I loved the idea you shared about how a simple act like cleaning can be turned into a worship. I do so often feel overwhelmed and resist the daily chores of life and running a home. That is a perspective I’d like to practice. Thank you so much again for reaching out to me!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Of course, I think of you often, and pray for you. I’m so glad that you are moving to have security, love and encouragement in your spiritual relationship with God, and that you are finding Him even in the simple things of life–like cleaning. 🙂 Our Father loves you intensely—you are loved with an everlasting love!

        Liked by 2 people

  3. Our inner critics are just basically bullying tyrants.. at least you are facing it and in facing it you can confront this.. thet work with the inner critic is huge.. and I do believe we are a society obsessed with busyiness more than being with.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, I do feel I can take such big steps just by recognizing this inner critic more and more! I truly believe the inner critic is a voice that means well, it believes it has to be doing what it does to keep me safe and moving forward. It probably did keep me safe at some point. However that time has come and gone, and I know better ways now. Hopefully with practice and being shown another way this voice can shift into a more clearly loving persona. Still guiding me, but gently and with encouragement.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. That makes sense.. its just the way it delivers its message.. and yes Margaret Paul talks a lot about the intent to protect us, probably from criticism at large.. its very interesting the way the Inner Critic operates.. you seem to be really progressing well in understanding its role.

        Liked by 2 people

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