Unlike other months where I wrote a lot in drafts as the month went on, August has almost nothing. But I’d like to add here some bullets to show where I was.
This is the only thing I wrote:
The Lost Years
I went to my first Bible study with a friend. Well, it wasn’t actually the Bible we read, but rather the book “What Is The Bible” by Rob Bell (which I very much enjoyed). I was nervous before I went. I wouldn’t know anyone besides my friend there, and I am very new and uncertain in my understanding of Christianity and my own budding faith. But it all went really well. Everyone there came from very different backgrounds and the atmosphere was casual and open-minded. I left wanting to attends next month’s session.
An interesting thing happened there though. A girl mentioned how she strayed from religion in college, as her religious friends had an attitude that just didn’t match what her heart felt was right. She felt where is my place HERE. The group discussed. And then as we all moved on I heard the pastor lean over to her (he has known her since she was a little girl), and he said something to her about how even though she may have felt off track for a few years, it was her prior relationship with God that pulled her back.
His comment hit me. Where was God in my past? As it stands now I feel He wasn’t there. I always felt so alone. I always was so alone. That lonely little girl and young adult still lives so much inside of me, all those years lost without Him. I feel those years broke something essential in me…but was I actually alone? Was He there all along?
Poems From August
I write my poems in quick burst of energy on the notes app on my phone. Outpourings of intense emotions in a moment. Therefore they capture the months intense emotions well.
You're gonna be you, I'm gonna be me. Maybe we'll see us In eternity. -- If anyone saves me in that place I know the face It will be If any -- Each out breath you take Makes a space For me to fill But we can never catch the other Though sometimes As your breath quickens I feel I catch you there A little gasp of your air And I laugh And I cry Without your fall I will never rise Without my retreat You will never grow Invisible Bedfellows -- What if I am wrong What if you are the Son of God? My faith in You is far too great For even a molecule of me to shake --
- With approval from my counsellor and my doctor I started tapering off my antidepressants August 26th. I took half a pill for a week, then stopped all together.
- My son started Kindergarten. This is a point to look back over my stay at home mom experience with him and our relationship. He is a little boy now. When I reflect on our stay at home experience, there is a heaviness. There are so many areas I wish I did better. But there is also so much joy! He climbed the steps of the school bus that first day with so much excitement. He was ready for this big transition. I feel he has a security with my husband and I, a base of love to jump into the world off of. And he seems to often feel it! (Though I know I still do have work to do in being more freely expressive with love.) He starts each day with such joy. He seems like a happy little boy. So at this big milestone I feel mainly encouraged. Oh, the work that went into getting him to this point! It is good to stop and reflect, and also to see the years pass so FAST. He is still my little boy today. How I wish I could hold onto these moments forever.
- My daughter has one more year before school. Still my mind has started to wonder what I will do after these stay at home mom years come to an end. What will I do career wise? As space opens up for ME and growth in my life. What is next for me? What do I want? That turning back to self sounds promising and good. But there is an uncomfortableness to it. I can’t claim the “I have no time I’m a new mom” title anymore.” The time for major growth for myself is coming.