Where I Was Last Month (May) And This Week (6-24-21)

(Written in May)

Beginning to Process A Heavy Mood

I am currently processing and being with one of my heaviest moods. This emotional state I get into seems to be one of the most disconnected from my more unified sense of self. Coping skills that work brilliantly for other moods, seem to make this mood worse. There is a distrusting, aggressive, and mocking attitude it seems to possess towards what feels like “me”.

It feels like this mood descends on me quite frequently, and probably has most of my life. The mood has a teenage feel to it, and I suspect it was during my teenage years when I first started experiencing this mood. I probably lived more of life in this mood in the past. However I may have been unable to see it as clearly as I do now, since I did not have as much joy and peace to compare it too. It is the intense reappearance and struggle with this mood that led me to attend counseling again.

I don’t understand what sets it off yet. But it comes on suddenly and it feels heavy and empty. In that emotional mood I feel nothing towards people who I know I love. And that upsets me and angers me. But the mood doesn’t care, doesn’t care about anything or anyone. And definitely doesn’t care what “I” think about it. Seems to hate me. Thinks I destroyed my life. And that there is no chance of any good outcomes. It tends to urge me to seek comfort in “nature”, who “won’t judge me/who loves me”. It has self-destructive urges, that disturb and frighten me. I try to encourage it, mention how many people wound be there to help it. It has a very mocking attitude. States they will help me for a day, and then be gone. I just feel so emptied out in this mood. Only grief and guilt about the past, and hopelessness and indifference towards the future.

I am trying to be patient with this emotion. And accept it as it is, even in its mocking and anger.

The only thing so far that does seem somewhat promising with the emotion is simply to gently tell it/remind it “It’s okay, you are okay, those you love are okay. It’s okay to feel this way. You are safe. Those you love are safe. It’s okay. You’re okay.” I felt a lifting in that, and it seemed to offer me a simple path forward to show kindness and support for myself. After softly whispering that out loud over and over, I felt the desire to have a cup of tea. I felt a lifting in all that, a being present, being less overwhelmed.

I don’t know what this mood is. And I don’t know why is descends on me. But I would like to address it, process it, hear it, and help it.

A Second Stage In Processing

(I believe this comment I left to a friend on WordPress in the thick of processing the heavy mood captures a shifting in my perspective towards the mood.)

(Written in May)

“I am in such an intense place recently. Really struggling with so many overwhelming emotions. I’m feeling it physically and mentally more than I’m used to. Struggling to function. But I’m hanging in there and reminding myself this is likely part of a loving freeing, finding, listening to, and being with my true self. She’s held so much in for so long, so much suppression.But as those inner forces that have been holding the real me down are lowered, I connect more and more with her in a deeper way and unlike in the past I’m not going to criticize or push her away now. Even if the left over of my old inner system of suppression rises up, to it believes protect me, I feel I know a better way now. It’s all okay. I’m okay. Even though I fear how I feel at moments in this anxiety, grief, guilt, helplessness, emptiness, and brain fog. It feels like I’m cycling quickly through intensity and numbness.

But I will not abandon her. Because I see more clearly now, who I really am, the natural intuitive sensitive me, is kind, smart, good, and loving. I or no one else has anything to fear from her. All she wants is to live as herself. And I believe that is what is best for her and everyone else. I am worthy to live my life as myself, we all are.”

A Third Stage in Processing

(Written In June)

I am still in a haze of sorts trying to stay with and work through this complex mood. I have come to suspect my Inner Critic is very much active within me against this mood. And I am realizing my frustration and impatience towards this mood isn’t helpful by any measures. It is a case of me giving myself, what I am used to receiving from my family of origin. But I believe I have come to know better than that now. I believe what is best for me and everyone around me is for me to listen to this mood and understand what it is trying to communicate to me.

I notice when I tried to take a more loving and calm stance with this mood, accepting it as how I am feeling and being gentle with myself and my “lack of functioning” right now, I felt a release of sorts. It seemed much of the intense feelings of self-hate, weakness, feeling life was unbearable, wasn’t actually coming from the mood itself it was coming from my Inner Critic’s judgment and view of the mood.

The inner critic side of me wants to see emotional strength and productivity in my day to day life. If I struggle emotionally or with my day to day tasks, it declares I am “pathetic” and “weak”. It seems I naturally believe those verdicts, and then fall further and further into a negative state. Or maybe it’s not so much I believe these judgements of the Inner Critic, but more I am torn down by them. To be vulnerable to one’s self, and be met with harsh judgements, does nothing to help build an understanding and work through a difficult emotion or establish peace and contentment within.

There is a sense even the “self destructive” thoughts that so disturb and upset me in this mood, are actually more coming from the Inner Critic’s frustration and hate towards the mood as opposed to the mood itself. It’s more like hearing “YOU have nothing to offer anyone, something is wrong with YOU” from someone you love as opposed to actually feeling that way yourself. It’s complex, but it was a relief to realize that it wasn’t so much life I can feel the urge to escape as much as this harsh inner voice that seems to value “me” only in terms of my ” functioning”, “productivity”, and “strength” and when I falter goes on a tirade against “me”.

Maybe at some point, this style of inner self talk was deemed necessary by my mind, but it feels wholly destructive to me and ironically destructive to my smooth functioning in life. I want peace from that voice, I need peace from that voice.

When I try to reflect on what the heavy mood itself is feeling before all the inner critic’s judgements and labels rise up, it is probably something like immense helplessness, loneliness, hopelessness and grief. If I imagine any other human feeling this way, I would not be proud treating them how my inner critic treats me. Who yells and demands productivity and displays of emotional strength to a human heart that is hurting. First one must listen, and I believe if I listen well and patiently, I will come to understand this mood. And somewhat naturally I will find myself showing her love, and with that healing and release for this part of me to shift her energy into a new direction in life. But first she must be heard, she knows something, and I need to hear it.

To the Girl Who Wrote Poetry

To the girl who wrote poetry
Preserving me
Through the static
Thank you.

It is time

She appears
The strength
The vividness
Of a million colors
Before me
And within me
Floating, touching
dancing
As one 
Arising
And gliding over nothingness
As I collapse before her feet

Into our nothingness
So she can speak

This poem was inspired by finding my old poetry journals from when I was 13-20 years old. After 20 I largely stopped writing poetry. Until I picked the habit back up within the last year. My emotions seem to compel me to write poems. As I write them it often feels I am both communicating and listening. I am expressing and keeping in touch with myself. I believe writing poetry harmonizes and integrates the emotional and thinking parts into “Me”.

Where I Am This Week (4/5)

Rapidly Shifting Moods

The days have been difficult recently. What a mix of beliefs and emotions exist within me. I find myself feeling joyful and grateful some days, and a day later I will feel broken and hopeless. My day to day life is very routine, yet the moods do not follow that day to day stability.

Last week I hit such a low emotionally that I decided I need to reach out for outside help from a therapist. At first I felt a sense of embarrassment and defeat in this I think, the desperation and hopelessness of my mood, I’m suppose to be in a better place now after all my growth right? But with a little reflection I see it as truly a good turn of events. I was able to honestly observe where I was, accept it, and seek out help for myself. I am putting in effort to learn how to take good care of myself. I am treating myself as someone I love.

The Automatic Thoughts (Maybe) Influencing the Mood Shifts

In moments I feel sure my feet have found the path to being a good enough mother for my children. A path of continual effort to learn, listen, grow, and be present with love for my children. I feel that my deepest dream, being a loving mother, is happening in reality. I have faith and hope my kids will feel a secure base with me, and that my presence will be a blessing and comfort to them. But how quickly all belief and faith in my being on a good path fall away. And I fluctuate to a certainty that I am my own mother. That this is all how she felt. That I am recreating the past, and my children will certainly feel how I feel/felt. Confused and hurt. Angry. Alone. Afraid of and distant from other people.

This roller coaster ride of beliefs (and the feelings that go with these beliefs) wears me down. I live days of security and joy, where my day to day struggles have purpose and meaning. And then days of insecurity and heartbreak, where my day to day struggles are only bringing about discomfort and inevitable heartbreak to others. Days where my love feels useless at best and harmful at worst, and I feel hopeless in the power and goodness of my love. On these days I’ll wonder, is my love really love at all?

I feel I have grown so much, yet these fears and doubts plague me. And how can I ever prove these fears untrue? How will I ever know that my ways of parenting feel like the security of love to my children? I know I do not feel loved by my parents, I believe in it like some sort of unseen and unfelt phenomenon, but it is not a lived experience. Why do I feel so unsure in their love? What caused/causes that? Was it something they did or didn’t do? I do not know with certainty. Well how then can I know I am not or will not simply repeat it? What makes love a lived experience? Am I overthinking it? My natural state around my idea of myself as a mother tends to be confusion. I have little clarity on how well I am doing.

The Rational Mind vs. The Emotional Mind

I am hopeful my weekly counseling sessions, where we will be focusing on cognitive behavioral therapy, will bring me some clarity and stability moving forward. I sometimes feel my rational mind is at peace and knows I am doing the work to be the best mother I can be for my kids, and that my effort will be enough for them. I believe I am making progress, and see such clear signs of growth and a comfortableness with closeness and affection with them that I didn’t have at first.

It seems it is my emotional mind that is lagging behind a bit. The emotional mind tends to see me as failing, and is desperate for me to make some sort of big changes that will bring a better reality. After some sort of frantic effort my emotional mind tends to turn against me and label me as the “problem”, me as the reason some sort of “harmful” thing is happening to those I love. Without much conscious thought I tend to believe these harsh labels, and then I will be pulled out of the present trying to figure out what is terribly wrong with me and my parenting and what I immediately must do to make amends. Yet I almost never can find anything disastrously and clearly wrong.

What does seem clear to me is this feeling that “there is a problem” or that “I am a problem to others” is actually pulling me away from being present in life with others. This pulling away from the present moment leads me to miss simple time spent with my kids and husband. That is an issue I do see. But that persistent thought and feeling of “something is wrong” I find hard to shake. There is the fear that maybe something is wrong, and by ignoring it, I am allowing something negative to persist.

I feel hopeful with a counsellors help I can help shape my mind to see and accept my new reality, my husband and kids love me and feel close to me. They see already that I love them and am trying my best to live that love. Those other eyes and judgements and expectations of me are in the past and irrelevant now. Those all meant little about me and were more about my parents and their own struggles carried over from their childhoods. My husband and kids see ME. And they love ME. Who I am is not an uncomfortable problem to them, they don’t need or want me to hide. Their desire towards me is my desire towards them- they want me, the real me, to be present. And I want to be present. “So why am I hiding?” my rational mind wonders. It makes no sense. Yet my emotional mind already knows the answer doesn’t it. Because I doubt myself. My words, my touch, my authentic presence, my love makes others pull back in discomfort and fear. I have seen it. But am I seeing it now, again, with my husband and children? Or are my eyes stuck staring at some sort of memory instead of seeing the present day before me.

Where I Am This Week (11/23)

Being There For Myself/Being There For Others

I feel myself stepping more and more into living as myself. I more often have such a peace within and such a peace with my actions and words. However living more as my real self is a change for me, and with changes come challenges.

One of these challenges for me is learning how to interact as my real self with other people and relatedly learning to see those around me for who they truly are. I try to be in touch with my real self, and when I feel I am, I trust that her instincts and intentions are best for myself and those around me. I try to live more freely now.

This past week I attempted to express this idea to my husband, this idea that I am trying to build up a trust in myself and step into living fully as myself. I expressed my confusion and fears about how this could effect our relationship. It was honest, but unsurprisingly seemed to make him feel attacked or threatened and that seemed to send me into a more fearful and negative mental space.

This dynamic confuses me. I feel the urge to reach out, discuss, and share, so I do. But often I share my fears, and my fears often involve me “hurting someone more than I am helping” or someone “holding me back from happiness/living as me” in some way. They are my fears of what reality is or will be. But it seems, as happened during this conversation with my husband, the person I’m speaking to takes it personally. My fears seem to hurt them. If I had thought about this conversation with my husband more before sharing, I would have guessed he would react negatively just as he did. Does that mean I shouldn’t bring these types of fears up with him? Does it mean the way in which I bring them up is not graceful enough?

What Would My Inner Parent Say?

When learning how to better interact with others, I can find it helpful to reflect on how my inner parent interacts with me or would interact with me in a given situation. When I do this exercise, I see how deeply hurtful it would be for my inner child to hear anything that sounds remotely like my inner parent saying they “might have to leave me“. However I do feel slight resistance to this notion that the level of “eternal thereness” for myself should be extended to my husband. I do love my husband though, isn’t that level of “eternal thereness” just what love looks like? I do not know, being there for myself and others is new to me. I am learning.

There is a relationship where this quest for “eternal thereness” feels more smooth and natural to me and that is towards my children. I feel determined to always be there for them, just as my inner parent is for me. I will never leave them. No matter how old they are, or how lost they are, no matter where they are emotionally I will be there for them and if I am not there for them I will be trying with all my strength to get there and let them know I am desperately trying. Would I ever say anything they might hear as “I might have to leave you”? Maybe, but always I would try to make it clear I feel I might have to leave because my strength, and therefore ability to be there for them, is faltering. Always it would be clear the “leaving” is temporary, is in tune with where they are too, and I will return.

Is it true I do not feel this desire for “eternal thereness” for my husband? If it is true, is that something I should strive to change? Is it a lack of extension and expression of my love? It’s a maze to my mind.

What Are My Expectations And Hopes From My Husband?

Maybe I can find some clarity about how I want to/should feel towards him by switching the roles -What are my expectations and hopes from my husband towards myself? I want him to be truly happy. I want him to flourish from within. I want him to find and step right up to the line that is the limit to his freedom to improve the world. But also I want him to have the wisdom to recognize, accept, and make peace with that line that is the true limit of his power. I want him to look back and be able to see the ups and downs, that are life, as his beautiful story. I want him, who he is inside, to be living in every moment.

Though I didn’t clearly answer the question of “What are my expectations and hopes from my husband towards myself?”, maybe I did discover a clarity from not answering the question. I suspect the resistance I have to being “eternally there” for my husband, does not indicate a lack of love for him. It indicates a lack of willingness to self destruct for him. A growing recognition that I am worthy and want to step into my life. The real me is no danger. I will step into my life. I will live my life. I feel this is healthy, and I want the same for him. I want my husband to live, not live for me.

Well, Where Do We Fit Into Each Other’s Lives Then?

I want to be a person my husband wants to be around. A person who emotionally supports him and he wants to support, a person who is interested in him and who he is interested in, who believes in him and he believes in, who brings joy to him and he wants to bring joy to too, etc. and I assume he wants to be that person to me. I believe we both share the fear that we are not that person to the other. I believe this was the fear I communicated this week to him, and me discussing it brought up that shared fear in him too.

And there is truth to that in our past. We have relived and are reliving many aspects of the dynamics from our childhoods with each other. (I suspect my fear that my real self is a danger to his real self and happiness or that he is a danger to my real self and happiness are both strongly rooted from my childhood not our relationship). But how beautiful if somehow we each can bring ourselves to the surface of life, and fully stand before each other in the present. Fearfully at first, but then receive what we have longed for all our lives. To feel seen by someone who wants us, the real us.

I sense a growing of that difficult journey to the surface of life within both of us. There is a part of me, not the fearful part of me, that has faith. That part of me believes my husband and I both lost touch with our real selves in childhood. Yet somehow it was our real selves which chose each other, and which have carried us through our dating and marriage years together. An emotion within me seems to say, “You already see him, and he already sees you. Look to see this truth, and live this truth boldly. Then you will begin to experience it, to feel it!”.

Learning Steadfast Faith That I am Loved

I notice I freeze up often now. I feel confusion and pain. The urge to flee those I love grows more powerful by the day. Yet along with the urge to flee, grows the realization that fleeing was always and remains a delusional dream. I would be running away from what I seek, and towards a deeper pain than I now feel. I will not flee this time.

I will learn to more freely express my love and feel other’s love of me. This pain is a sign I am putting in the effort to learn and grow. Giving my full effort is all it is within my power to do.

The area I am currently struggling in, learning, is how to build a steadfast faith that those closest to me love me unconditionally. I do believe they love me unconditionally, whether they fully feel that love or not in any given moment. But rarely, or rather never, do I “feel”/experience their unconditional love. I don’t “feel” unconditionally loved. This lack of first hand experience/feeling leaves the belief super fragile. At the slightest perceived sign that maybe they don’t love me, my belief in their love of me is lost and I am left in doubt or maybe even believing they certainly do not love the real me. Being in the state of doubting their love or in the state of believing they do not love me is very painful to me. Other hurtful beliefs form in this state too – such as the belief I am simply unlovable.

How wonderful it would be if I could learn a steadfast faith in their unconditional love. I suspect it would open my eyes and heart to the signs of their love in my day to day life. I would “feel” what it feels like to be loved. A reality I am largely blind to now. This seeing and feeling of their love for me would be a wonderful and healing experience for me. But not only would it be wonderful for me, I suspect it would be wonderful for them as well. We all love to see others feel secure and at peace within our love. It helps build up our faith in the goodness and power of our love.

A steadfast faith in their love may also allow me to more accurately understand their actions and words. I believe this is crucially important for myself and my loved ones too. I believe I have often misunderstand their words and actions as being about me when in reality they are about them. I believe my loved ones and I are all on the same team. A team bonded in love. But each of us have our own struggles, and each of us share many of the same struggles. Some close to me find it difficult to express their love (as do I), some fear being unloved or unlovable (as do I), some fear being vulnerable (as do I), some are confused about themselves (their desires, motives, feelings, etc.) (as am I).

These struggles confuse the individual who experiences them. The struggles cause pain, they are past wounds within the individual and they continue to wound the individual. The pain and confusion of these struggles can lead one to a confused interpretation of themselves and those around them. In this confusing darkness, where the beautiful and revealing light of love has grown dim, “what is” can be mistakenly perceived as a long feared nightmare. Like a chair with a hat on it in the darkness can become a demon in the night. These confused interpretations can paint a loving and loved family member or friend as an “enemy”. This can lead to confused defensive (and often aggressive defensive) actions and words towards the “enemy”.

The situation can become even more confusing and painful if the defensive/or aggressive defensive words are misunderstood by the other person. And I believe I often do misunderstand my loved one’s words and actions formed in their inner struggle. I see their actions and words push me away and I assume they are trying to push me away because they see me as a “problem”. This makes me feel like I am an unwanted burden to those I love as opposed to a loved team mate. I feel there must be something about me that makes those I love not want to be around me. Makes them not love me.

At this point, I become lost in my own pain and struggles. My loved one disappears before my eyes. I may even be inspired by my own painful and confusing struggle to see my loved one as an “enemy”. Then I might say and do things that will send my already struggling loved one further into their pain and inner struggle. A vicious cycle of hurt and hurting each other can form so easily within this dark fog of confused and pained seeing. There can be a blindness to the reality of this being a communication between 2 people who deeply love each other.

I believe if I can build a strong faith that I am unconditionally loved, then I can hopefully avoid false understandings and all the pains and struggle they bring. With that solid foundation of knowing I am loved, then I can correctly recognize attempts to push me away as indications my loved one is struggling internally with themselves. This more accurate understanding may inspire compassionate actions and words from me as opposed to defensive or defensive aggressive ones. I will see their attempts to push me away, as not about me. I could continue to see my loved one as a loved one. Someone on the same team as me, bonded in love. This is a moment where they are struggling a moment for me to offer support. A moment they may want a listening ear, a hug, understanding, validation, motivation, an expression of faith in them, an expression of being with them right where they are and loving them.

It is my responsibility to build this faith in their love. I understand now that it is time for my old interpretations to be replaced by the new. For the misunderstood and painful words of my loves ones to be removed by their roots from my past and to never be heard again in the present. With a steadfast faith in their unconditional love the past can be reinterpreted and the present understood clearly. A steadfast faith in those closest to me love of me seems powerful. It has been clarifying writing this all down. It appears building this steadfast faith in being loved is an excellent focus in the struggle to learn how to feel other’s love of me.

This returns my mind to earlier in this write up when I stated “I will learn to more freely express my love and feel other’s love of me.” When I started this write up, I was most focused on learning to express my love more freely. I believed how loved I felt by others was out of my control. However, that does not seem to be the case. I now suspect this learning to have steadfast faith in others love of me will free me to “feel” others love of me. It will bring me an awareness of what already is but I am blind to. Furthermore I think this “feeling” of being loved may be connected to more freely expressing my own love. Maybe I’ve had the ordering wrong. Maybe the proper order is 1) Learn to feel others love freely then 2) Learn to express my love freely.

This clarifies a lot of my struggle to me. I have noticed expressing my own love in any sort of free way is often too big of a challenge for me right now. I have so much fear of expressing love. Even when a loving impulse arises in me, so often I hold it in. I am so afraid to act. I do not understand why? What do I fear will happen? Do I not trust my love? Do I fear it is a destructive hurtful force to those around me? The feeling of fear is so real, but what the feared outcome is seems invisible to me.

This fear of expressing love which holds me back from expressing love frustrates me and sometimes leads to a sense of hopelessness and shame. But maybe a steadfast faith in other’s love of me is the missing key. Maybe it feels like loving freely to me is an impossible challenge because I never feel loved with any sense of security. Sure I wish I could show love freely even if I am unloved, but maybe that is an unnecessarily huge hurdle. Maybe it’s a hurdle I’m not even facing. Though it is how I “feel” the situation to be, maybe I am mistaken. Maybe I am already surrounded by love (I know my family and husband would say they love me), but my detection of it is lacking. My awareness is the problem.

Concluding all these thoughts, I am recognizing so often that confusion (which often leads to fear) is the greatest challenge for me. It feels like growth is learning. But for learning to really be running smoothly there must be a sense of clarity. What is one attempting to learn? What is an effective way to learn it? How to determine whether progress is being made in learning or whether changes need to be made? How to understand and whether to adjust for feelings of intense pain? How to understand other people’s inputs and feedback? I am very thankful that expressing myself in writing and reading what others have learned about themselves often is a path to clarity for me.

Learning to See the Unconscious Mind

A new relationship has been forming between me and the internal things (thoughts and feelings) within me. I see them more clearly as distinct things which exist outside of my real center of self/consciousness. They are all around me within my internal world, but they are not within ME. In this more detached state, there is less fear of what I see and with less fear more freedom. Freedom to observe these mental things (thoughts and feelings) with more curiosity and to study them more deeply.

Sometimes as I sit with and study a familiar thought or feeling around me internally a completely unfamiliar thoughts or feeling, seemingly connected to the familiar one, arises. I often feel the urge to leave these unfamiliar thoughts unstudied. I’ll think “How could they be relevant to my life if I have never used them consciously in decision making?”. Even more, not only are these thoughts totally unfamiliar, they often appear inaccurate and illogical to me (ex. “If someone isn’t being loving to me, then it must be the case I do not deserve their love. Therefore I should change my behavior until I can be lovable to them.). My thinking mind considers these thoughts to be ridiculous. It would never use them in any decision making process. Therefore my thinking mind forcefully declares these thoughts are irrelevant to me and my life.

Yet if I stick with my study of these unfamiliar and illogical thoughts, and especially if I try to speak to someone else about them, sometimes strong and uncontrollable emotions will instantly pour out of me. I breakdown in tears. The tears surprise me. They often embarrass me. I believe I am simply trying to study or discuss untrue and illogical thoughts I do not hold. If I try to introspect and determine what within me is causing the tears, I don’t recognize any emotion or thought within me that could explain the tears. I feel fine.

But this contrast between how I feel and how I am acting confuses and frustrates me. I do not have that uniquely personal ability to introspect/to see what is within this mind who is crying. It is as if someone else’s mind has gained control over my external emotional expressions. Though I know this is not true. Rather it must be that I have completely lost introspective touch with a part of my emotional brain. Though clearly that part has not lost touch/control over my body. I suspect this lost part of my emotional mind is part of my unconscious mind. I have always believed in the unconscious mind, but never before have I experienced a mindful awareness that I am witnessing it’s effects acting through me.

In order to know what is within this part of my unconscious, I must use my reasoning abilities. I first collect information by observing how my body is acting (crying). Then I reason that within my internal but unconscious world there must be some feeling of sadness, emotional pain, or hurt.

It appears that my calmer and freer introspection/observation of my familiar internal world is allowing me to see for the first time some of the unconscious (“unfamiliar and illogical”) thoughts and feelings which are fueling these more familiar thoughts and feelings. That would explain why these unfamiliar thoughts are suddenly appearing internally around me now that I am more deeply studying my familiar thoughts and feelings. It may also help explain why they often appear to me to be illogical or inaccurate thoughts. They were learned/formed by a much younger me’s knowledge, perspective, and freedom. A me in a different world.

But before I go more into the origin of these beliefs, I find it important to add I have tried to study how frequently unconscious/invisible thoughts may be influencing my actual choices and behavior. I took one of these newly conscious/visible “unfamiliar and illogical thoughts” and looked back to see if there was any evidence of its influence in my past choices, actions, understanding of other people and myself, etc. I found evidence of its influence EVERYWHERE. It was a missing variable. It helped explain some of my most puzzling habitual choices and behaviors. Even more I realized other people had seen my actions and suggested maybe I had this thought/feeling. I couldn’t introspect it within me, so I had never believed that I did hold such a thought/feeling. But now I infer it was unconsciously fueling many of my past choices and behaviors.

Returning back to why the beliefs I become conscious of from the unconscious would appear to me as illogical and untrue, I assume this is because the unconscious largely learned what it knows during my childhood. Therefore within a child’s knowledge, perspective and freedom it solidified the code of best action for thriving in “the world” including what is dangerous for me. I left childhood – I acquired more knowledge, more perspectives, more power, and more freedom. But what happened to everything I had learned, my code of life? What is the relationship between the child’s old and deeply practiced knowledge of the world and how best to thrive in it and all the adult’s new and ever growing knowledge, perspectives, and freedoms. How did/do they interact?

I am not sure. But I suspect I have long lived as a feeling and thinking learning machine struggling in perpetual confusion. A feeling and thinking learning machine that can only be and live in the present, but through my memory code can get lost in “the past”. I can fiercely battle to defend myself and life from long gone but now unconsciously self-empowered demons. A feeling and thinking learning machine that can only be and live in the present, but through my imagination code can get lost in “the future”. I can imagine “what is” could be better (more beautiful, happier, etc, ) and this imagining of possibilities clouds my vision of the real “what is” before me. “What is” becomes seen as not enough. It could be more good therefore is is not yet good (it is bad), it could be more beautiful therefore is is not yet beautiful( it is ugly), it could be more happy therefore is not yet happy (it is sad).

I am a feeling and thinking learning machines who knows that I have the power and am free to update my code, and therefore expects to look out and see my true self in how I show up in the world. Yet so often I look out and see I act drastically out of step with how I code/will myself to act. This can lead me to doubt my very nature, doubt whether I am beautiful and good on the inside. If I am, wouldn’t I see that beautiful and good self in my actions? Or it leads me to doubt my power and freedom to truly update my code. Who or what controls my actions then? There can be no peace for a learning machine made for living life (action), but in a state of perpetual confusion about the internal world and external one.

Yet, there is hope! Clarity. For maybe it is true that I have the power and freedom to update/modernize my code, maybe that’s never been lacking. Maybe what has been lacking is the ability to see/access the old code, and even more the acceptance that such an unconscious/invisible code exists. How can one change what one can not see? But now I know through experience such an unconscious mind/code is within me and can (without my awareness) be the fuel of my thoughts and feelings and therefore actions. Even more I have experienced that if I can study my conscious thoughts and feelings in a detached state, once unconscious thoughts and feelings sometimes arise before my consciousness. I can see code that was once invisible to me, so maybe now I can start to change/update it.

And it does seem that once my thinking mind reasons an unfamiliar thought or feeling explains some of my past actions and makes sense as being learned from my childhood, it becomes understood and accepted as existing within an unconscious part of my mind. This understanding and acceptance integrates the unconscious part back into my conscious mind- back into the internal world around me I can see/introspect.

With this ability to see/introspect the once unconscious thought in real time as it is triggered in my day to day life, I have the freedom to reason whether the thought is accurately capturing the truth within me or in the world. I have the freedom to gather more information to determine it’s accuracy or test out a different thought. When I cultivate more accurate/true thoughts than I see myself and the external world more accurately/true. This changes my thoughts and actions. I look within and without into the external world and more often see the beautiful, good, and true world and the beautiful, good, and true me actually showing up in it.

“The Origin of Consciousness in the Breakdown of the Bicameral Mind”

I ordered the book The Origin of Consciousness in the Breakdown of the Bicameral Mind by Julian Jaynes today. Seems to be a theory that may capture a sense of what the mind felt like/or feels like now. This Bicameral theory of the mind may connect to the split brain patient studies, which have always been fascinating. Very excited to read the book, and curious how it may take me to a new understanding, as everything inevitably seems too. I always feel I’m finally on a solid ground of who “I am”, but new information shifts perspective of “I am” and this world around and within me. I didn’t use to feel this flowy. But maybe I always was, just the resistance to flow and “I am’s” false identifications with what’s in this world within me clouded over my “I am’s” flow within and without. Is this “I am” somewhat captured by the idea of the right brain? I think Julian Jaynes book may be related to this question and it may be insightful.