Babies & God

A Visit to The Kid’s Play Place

My daughter and I (and her purple mushroom stuffy) visited a kid’s indoor play place this week. About 30 minutes into our visit, during her second climbing adventure, there was an announcement over the loud speakers – a live kid’s show was about to begin. 

We made our way to the stage, slowly, as my daughter stopped to play at the different stations. Once we got close enough that she could see the performers, and more importantly for her the other little kids sitting around the stage, she ran over to join the audience. She sat crossed legged, head tilted back, eyes fixed on the 4 adults on stage.

It wasn’t a play, it was a sort of interactive silly antics show – with the actors pretending to be “dinosaurs, “flying a kite”, “fishing”, etc. Their motions, sounds, and facial expressions were all exaggerated – getting the little kids laughing. 

As the silly antics went on on stage, I looked around at the audience. I was surprised, though I shouldn’t have been, to see my daughter was one of the oldest children there. She starts kindergarten this fall, so most kids older than her would be at school.

My heart felt a heaviness at this reminder – my mothering days are about to change permanently and significantly. And really they already have – a few short years ago I was one of those Moms sitting next to my Goldfish chopping toddler with a squirming baby in my lap. There was a sense of loss, and a sense of longing. My husband and I have always agreed we’d have 2 kids, maybe three…but not 4. So maybe that could be me again, just one more time. But now-a-days, more often than not, we both agree we like our life now with our 2. Still it’s an unanswered question, that doesn’t spin in mind as often as it once did, but which I’m yet to find a peace about.

Mind’s Wanderings (Babies & Toddlers)

Unsurprisingly, and especially since I didn’t go with a Mom friend, my brain didn’t stay grounded for long. As I observed the little one’s all around me….I noticed one little boy. I’d guess he was just under one. He sat with one small plastic triangle and one small plastic square shape with holes in the middle. These 2 shapes, not the action on stage, were the main event for him. He waved them, dropped them, picked them up, moved one from one hand to the other, moves them towards his mouth, puts his hand through the triangle, and stared at them. His motions were big and clumsy. He seemed happy and in moments proud of his accomplishments (maybe catching a surprised look and smile from Mom), but his face more often expressed deep concentration and pondering. 

I found the little guy adorable and his intense focus fascinating. We were all once just like this, learning with each motion and experience who we are, what we can do, and how the world works.

Next my attention was pulled to a wobbling toddler who was beelining it to the stage. He was probably just over one year old. More falling forward, and moving his legs, then walking (the new walker lean). When he got to the steps at the bottom of the stage, he quickly crawled up them. It was at this point his Mom hopped up and hurried over to fetch him.

He was already up on his feet again wobbling around the stage, grinning up at the performers, who of course were all smiling and greeting him. His Mom scooped him up, and he had a huge toothy smile on his face the whole way back to his “seat”. Mom was smiling too, but seemed slightly embarrassed, as she made her way back to their seat. There was a soft laugh from the other mothers and grandmas in the audience – Oh, how we all understood! The other little kid’s seemed unfazed, maybe they were too young to have yet formed rigid expectations of the world.

I found the room’s energy around this incident light and joyful. Understanding & accepting. All were welcome.

Mind’s Wanderings (God)

These observations, brought my thoughts to something that often arises around children, “What if this is how God sees us?”. What if from His perspective we never leave this baby/child state – we aren’t growing to become even close to similar to Him (like our child grow and become adults like us)? What if all our “wisdom”, “intelligence”, “accomplishments”, “creativity”, “technology” ,“physical feats”, “morality”, “science”, etc. – what if God just sees the little boy sitting with the 2 shapes?

Clearly working hard, clearly passionate, giving it our all, and learning but it all being more adorable than impressive. What if in our moments of pride, he feels happy for us and proud like a mother clapping and saying “you did it” to a toddler? What if He finds our attempts to be like him – moving and cute and smiles like we do when a little girl does her own makeup and says she looks “like Mommy”.

And furthermore, what if the little guy who had to be fetched from the stage – is how God views “sin”. Something to be corrected, but with a softness and understanding. God races up to us with a smile and firm but soft hands, carrying us back to our “seat”. Maybe saying some gentle and guiding words like “We need to sit right here. I can’t let you on the stage; the stage is for the performers.” Other people who saw the “sin”, like the audience, either don’t notice or watch on with mature heart’s who understand “oppsies, it happens to us all”. What if the “evils” and “sins” of humanity are viewed this way by God? The little guy with the shapes, having a “rebellious” or confused moment.

What Would This Mean?

As I sat there my mind mixing all the thoughts and feelings this thought experiment provoked, I wondered what if this is true…what would that mean for me and how I view myself and others?

It certainly is humbling. All my hard work and effort, feels like hard work and effort. My accomplishments and failures feel big, and some feel deep in impact. My creativity, the beauty I add the world, feels like my attempt at God’s flowers or a sunrise. Maybe God’s eyes light up when He sees my creative projects, but then He goes and “hangs it on the fridge” – like I do with my children’s art – saying “good job baby”.

Maybe we are just forever babies and toddlers in the eyes of God. Adorable, emotional, clumsy little messes, doing their best to be like the BIG GUY. Maybe God never expects us to achieve what He does, but He finds the efforts endearing and beautiful. Maybe He encourages our efforts to grow, into slightly more advanced babies. He celebrates “our big steps” with us.

How humbling! But how beautiful!

Maybe when we misunderstand who we are, we overlook the full beauty of God’s love – how someone so unimaginably big could unconditionally love & care for someone so unimaginably and permanently small. If we understood this better, maybe accepting and tolerating our own (& others) “smallness”, limitations, and mistakes would come more naturally. Also maybe caring for the needs of all would come more naturally too. We’d remember we aren’t loved because we are BIG, we are BIG because we are loved. Like our little babies are.

_{*(These thought experiments also left me wondering by the use of “His” for God, do we sometimes overlook how I imagine “His” love to truly be – which is simply LOVE. On Earth we talk about Father’s love and Mother’s love – but I imagine those loves are merely aspects of God’s love which is somehow BOTH.)*}

“A Trip To Infinity” Documentary (Quote)

I watched the documentary “A Trip To Infinity” on Netflix a few months ago. This scene with Alan Lightman (a physicist) struck me, and has stuck with me. I, too, have felt what he felt!

The music, images, his voice, and his expressions carry so much of the message, but I have captained his words below if you’d prefer to read. I hope you enjoy!

“I was looking up at the sky one night, when I was about 10 years old. And, I felt like, my life didn’t matter. And I guess it was converting large space to large time. One star after another star after another star, and wondering if that would keep going….forever.

I had this sense that the universe had existed a long time before I was born, and it would exist along time after I was dead. And I was just a speck…that didn’t matter. I don’t matter. My parents don’t matter. Nothing matters. We’re all just specks, just living in this brief moment. None of us were here a million years ago. None of us will be here a million years from now. And the universe doesn’t care….it just goes on and on and on.

So, why are we wasting time, going to school, having dentist appointments? All that. Why are we wasting our time, because none of it matters….And then….I fell in love…And that changed everything. That mattered. Even though we might both be specks in the cosmos.”

July Update – Part 3 (2023)

(Written July 2023)

Good Friend Moved

It was hard saying goodbye to my good friend who lived a few doors down. My kid’s and I spent time with her and her children multiple times a week. So visiting her the day before she left, felt like a normal day together, but there was a sadness underneath.

They were headed to a hotel that evening, and catching a plane the next day. We sat on the wood edging around her garden, because all her furniture was sold or packed away, while our children chased each other around the yard and collected rocks to color. It seemed my 6 year old son felt the sadness mixed in with the ordinary, as he brought rocks over to me saying they were special because his friend had drawn on them. I collected them in my pocket.

As the time for them to leave approached, I let my kid’s know it was time for us to say goodbye. We walked out of her backyard, making our way back to our house. Her and I had already exchanged some gifts earlier in the week.I had given her a framed picture collage of our children together through the year, and she had given me a perennial flower for my yard to remember them by (we both love to garden). So I was surprised, when she said she had a card for me. She went inside to grab it, then we all said our goodbyes. Her and I exchanged a quick hug, I felt a lot of emotions, but externally I kept the appearance of a normal day. Our 4 children, on their own initiative, ended up giving each other one big group hug. Children have such a natural way with affection and expressing it. I took a quick photo of this group hug. They were all smiles. It was beautiful, but it hurt my heart.

After our final goodbyes, my children and I walked home. My daughter, being 4, didn’t seem to understand what “moving” meant. But my son, once we got home and stepped inside, began to cry. He wanted to know if maybe we’d see them again later that day or tomorrow. I gently reminded him they were going to the hotel now, and weren’t coming back to the house. We hugged, and I let him know it makes sense to feel sad when we say bye to a friend who’s moving. I told him I was sad too, and was going to miss them. I reassured him that we would keep in touch with our friends by talking on the phone and letters.

Once we were settled in the house, with the first free moment I had, I opened the card from my friend. It was full of kind words for my family and me – how sweet the children are, how thankful she was we met, and how she knew she’d found a “lifelong friend”. After this quick read through, I put the card away. It reminded me of heartfelt letters I’d written before, and the heartfelt words I could have written/said to her – but hadn’t.

Numb

The truth was I had felt mixed up and numb the days before she left, and especially the day she left (I spent most the day distracting myself with a puzzle). It was a mix of disappointment (she had originally planned to stay in the neighborhood), irrational hurt feelings, denial they were moving, and hidden underneath the lack of belief we were friends.

Well, I knew we were “friends”, but I guess deep down I assumed she was friends with me only because our children are friends. It doesn’t make a lot of sense that I would believe this. Her and I have a lot in common. We’d done the hard work of finding childfree time to grab brunch together. We’d talked in depth about our lives and feelings in person and over the phone. We were friends.

But deep down, I just never feel anyone likes ME. The attitude is, I don’t want to embarrassed myself by seeming too close, because I know the truth – this person doesn’t like me that much. I think these feelings might contribute to why I sort of numbed out when she left. It’s like all my true feelings of sadness and friendship, get unconsciously blocked, by this belief that “she doesn’t really feel close to me”. My true feelings end up being “uncomfortable” to feel, and certainly too “uncomfortable”/”embarrassing” to express.

Overall, I feel disappointed and a bit frustrated with my struggle to be vulnerable with people. I know vulnerability is what builds close relationships. Hopefully, this observation of my default mode, will allow me to make healthy changes – to practice finding and connecting to my true feeling and practice express them.

---

Counseling (EMDR) – Finally

My current counsellor seems to be a wonderful match. I feel understood, and her words and guidance get me thinking. She challenges me.

I have finally, after over a year of planning to (it’s a long story), started EMDR. It has been going well. I cry a lot during EMDR, much more so than in regular counseling. It seems to open the doors to my emotional mind, so my deepest emotions are able to flow right before me. This allows my “observing”/”thinking” mind to see what’s actually within me.

It sounds super simple, but direct access to my emotional mind/body is a challenge to me. On my own I tend to get stuck in an “intellectualizing” mode – and don’t really FEEL, unless it’s “rational”. I used to pride myself on this, but now it frustrates me. How can I care for myself, if I can’t even connect with myself? And certainly, probably most of me, is not rational.

I am not left alone with these uncovered emotions after my sessions either. To my surprise my “thinking” brain has been mostly accepting and trying to processing these uncovered emotions. I am thankful for this! It isn’t the norm for my “thinking” mind to validate and give good faith energy to trying to understand and help my emotional self. The early signs of teamwork between my thinking side and emotional side are appearing. Maybe that is the direction I am headed – living a more unified inner life.

---

Signs Of Change In Interactions With Others

Recently a friend (not the one who moved) reached out to meet up with our kids. I knew my daughter would love to go, and it had been awhile since my friend and I met up. The only problem was, I had already told myself that morning that needed to take the day slow. I was noticing physical symptoms from my anxiety. I had planned to stick around the house and catch up on chores and relax.

Old me, would just go. I’d worry that saying no may hurt her feelings (especially since it’d been awhile since we talked or met up), and I’d feel guilty I made my daughter miss out on a fun outing with friends. I’d discount my needs, or think it displayed strength/selflessness to push through them.

But new me, opened up with this friend about my son’s upcoming procedure, my cat’s health, and my level of anxiety right now. It was a difficult text for me to write up and send. It left me feeling open to being judged as “dramatic”. I felt vulnerable. But, honesty just felt like the healthiest path to take – so after a lot of thinking and rethinking I sent the text. I tried to reassure myself that if she judged me that would simply be unkindness on her part.

Of course, her response was all kindness. She actually ended up being a huge support for me in those weeks leading up to my son’s procedure. She check in with me, and said she was praying for us. She brought by blessed bread for my son, and gave me a hug.

That early morning at the hospital, just as we walked through the doors, a text from her came through. She shared a long personal prayer for everything to go well. It meant so much to me to have her support. I found that opening up and being honest, led not to rejection and judgement, but love and support.

This all happened shortly after my friend from down the street moved. So maybe I am learning to adventure more into vulnerability, and maybe I will find that though it’s scary, it’s also rewarding. Which will maybe make it less intimidating….someday.

Right From Wrong (Haiku Poem)

Brother always says
right from wrong is obvious
my past says different

---

Response to Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie’s Photo Challenge #490

Reflections On 10 Years Ago…

Written: Mostly May 2023

Graduation From College

I attended my brother’s graduation from college this month. This month also marked 10 years since I graduated from the same college. As we waited for the graduates to arrive, my mind naturally wandered back to my own graduation day.

I recalled the optimism I had that day, the excitement I felt for the future. I was 22, and my college boyfriend and I (Spoiler: now husband) were going to get an apartment TOGETHER.

I recalled little nerves, more anticipation.I had poured so much time and effort into high school, and then repeated that same process in college. I was super burnt out with school. I had struggled with depression and depersonalization/derealization my freshman year of college, and had worried it would prevent me from returning to school for my sophomore year.

Yet there I was, graduating, it was official, I was DONE with school. (Well, unless I went back for more education, but I wasn’t planning to). It was the beginning of a new and wonderful life. I didn’t have many details of what was next, besides, again, my boyfriend and I were going to get an apartment of OUR OWN!

Not us, but where my mind was graduation day
Photo by SHVETS production on Pexels.com

I remembered proceeding up the steps that brought me to my graduation procession. I’m the type of person, who “doesn’t care about these sorts of traditions”, but I caught myself being overwhelmed as I proceeded in. The music, the smiles and waves from the audience, the excitement radiating off my fellow graduates, all the work it took to get to this day, the excitement for the future, looking for my own family in the crowd. My parents, grandparents, and brother were all there. My Dad snapped a picture of me with a huge smile on my face as I passed by them. It felt big, I felt proud! It was a joyous day!

The Present

These remembered feelings brought me pain. I didn’t know it then, but I know it now, so many of my “problems” were within me. I would carry those problems right alongside all the boxes into my new apartment.

However, as I sat reflecting, I realized in many ways my life was where I had hoped it would be in 10 years. I was married to my boyfriend. We had 2 kids. I was a stay at home mom. And I had way too many pets. I had followed my heart. This brought a sense of peace and gratitude.

Yet, there was heaviness mixed in. That optimistic young woman’s belief that somehow these major life changes would make me different, make me “happy”, had been a dream. Furthermore, in my journey to where I am now – I would lose trust and security in something I felt was solid – my family of origin and myself.

The Biggest Change

As my mind and heart sat in this mixed up state, I dreamed of going back. I dreamed of what I would do different, but more simply, I dreamed of experiencing that exciting day with a wide open future again. It was in these reflections, that I came to my deepest realization.

The biggest change in these last 10 years, is something 22 year old me NEVER expected and wouldn’t be able to understand. In the journey from 22 to 32, I became a mother (this wasn’t an unexpected milestone). However, becoming a mother sent me into a state of deep confusion about my past, my family of origin, my future, and even myself. I was overwhelmed, confused, collapsing, giving up – and then, suddenly, unexpectedly, someone else was there.

Who?

Though I am where I am today because of this presence, and over the past 7 years my relationship and trust in this presence has grown, and is still growing – I struggle to put a name to this mysterious presence. To define exactly what it is, to understand it.

I notice many others appear to have similar experiences with it. It appears to be interwoven within the deepest parts of me, but also external to me. It appears to be a comforter, an encourager, and wise. Its core trait appears to be love. I feel it is divine/holy.

It all sounds a lot like God, doesn’t it? And once I began experiencing this presence – my lifelong atheism (I was raised in a devoutly atheist home) was broken. Because I knew, there was someone else. A whole new aspect of the human experience was opened to me, and I wanted to know more. I knew my loving Grandma, and my favorite literary character were deeply Christian. So I picked up the Bible, truly searching, for the first time in my life. And I did find, and continue to find, so much of this presence in the Bible – particularly in Jesus. (The idea of Jesus being this presence in human form does strike me.)

Photo by Tima Miroshnichenko on Pexels.com

Still, there is a mystery to it all. I don’t feel I know all the answers. I don’t feel I know where the boundaries of this presence end. All the different ways it presents. I feel it shines through in certain emotions, actions, and attitudes, as opposed to certain beliefs. I tend to believe if there are humans around, then this presence is somehow there too.

I guess, I do feel it is God, but I’m not sure exactly what that means and may never know. It is a word, which suggests certain beliefs and knowledge, but for me an experience which provides few science like answers. I know it is real, I know it is loving and intimately tied up into humanity, and I know all meaning appears to lie within it. I recognize when I feel its presence around me, or when its presence is absent. However, that’s about where the beliefs end.

But this mysterious presence changed everything for me. Twenty one year old me was always alone, whereas thirty two year old me knows I’m never alone.

Or Was I Alone?

I know I am suppose to realize that I was never alone. I am suppose to realize my vision was merely clouded. However, that is not how I experienced the past and that is not how I see it on reflection. There was guidance back then, but it wasn’t clear to me is was “real” or from any certain source. There was recognition and pain in being far from love, and fantasies that love existed – but “I” didn’t believe it did.

It does seem, a somewhat large part of my mind, maybe 50 percent, is still alone. That part of my brain is stuck in a world where God/Love just doesn’t exist, and that means it truly loves nothing either (for my belief is if we truly and unconditionally love another then we naturally will know love exists). It feels duty bound to do what’s right, but has the attitude of a teenager in terms of following it. Resistance, resistance, and grumbling.

This unbelieving part of my mind, responds to my newer belief, with an attitude I likely picked up towards the concept of God in childhood – it sees God as someone who wants to “use” me for his own purposes – lacking any love, beauty, or morality. God’s only trait, to this unbelieving part of my mind, is power.

Integration seems to be a key word in this journey I’ve been on since I became a mother/discovered love. It appears my brain and heart have a lot of integration still left around the topic of God/love.

These prior 2 sections (“Who?” and “Or Was I Alone?”) were a bit tangential, however I find it important to share my experiences and beliefs as authentically as possible. Simple words alone, on this topic, feel too vague.

……Back To 10 Years Ago vs. Today

As I reflected on the 10 years since graduation I moved through many different emotions, but my reflections ended with me feeling at peace and grateful.

Clearly, I have by no means, reached that beautiful dream land of daily happiness. But in these last 10 years, there has been a shift in what I seek. Though I do not want to say, I don’t seek happiness or joy, I feel I shift more towards meaning now. I understand myself and reality differently. Where there once was emptiness, I see meaning because I see God/Love.

Life contains more now, then I ever dreamed it would. And I look forward to the next 10 years, not with giddy excitement, but with something deeper – a sense of peace and knowing, no matter what, I will not walk it alone.

July Update – Part 2 (2023)

This is part 2, but all of these events are from early to mid July before my son’s procedure. I just wanted to share the good news first.

anxiety/panic

Since getting the stomach flu back in February, I have noticed my fear of getting sick has gradually been increasing – specifically my fear of getting sick in a public or social situation. (The fear of others “seeing me like that” seems to loom large over the whole experience, and be a large part of the fuel for it.) The early signs I found odd, but not yet too concerning, were the flashes of disturbing imagery of me getting very sick that started happening when I was in social situations. They caught me off guard, and got my heart going a little, but my mind was able to pretty quickly make a “game plan” (if you do start feeling very ill go to the restroom) and then shift its focus back to the present moment. In other words, the “jump scare” feelings these images produced in my body weren’t too intense and faded very quickly.

However, as the weeks passed, I felt the “fear” more and more in my body. Looking back, I see that my mind was starting to hyper focus on this concern of “getting ill” in a social situation. This meant my mind was starting to observe, and send to my conscious awareness, an alarm bell (“I might be getting sick!”) for every stomach rumble, every gas pain, etc. The anxiety these messages create then create their own unease in the digestive system which sets off even more alarm bells (“I’m definitely about to get sick!”).

My mind tries to calm this growing panic, by awareness that these thoughts and feelings are most likely “anxiety” about getting ill not real signs of illness. Usually my mind is able to stop these feelings and thoughts from building, though it requires a lot of back and forth throughout the event as the feelings rise and ebb then rise again based on new bodily sensations.

However, sometimes there can be a sort of runway growth of these panic thoughts and feelings. My thoughts get more and more racy, I experience more and more “concerning” physical sensations (hot flashes, lightheadedness, nausea, a feeling of not getting enough oxygen), which makes my thoughts get more and more panicky, leading to a further escalation in the physical sensations or the level of discomfort I have with them.

In these cases even though my rational mind knows, “this is most likely panic and anxiety”, my body is unmoved by these rational thoughts. My rational self feels frustrated with this lack of control, and also uneasy because it knows that my body flying into such a turned up state can make me become ill. In a way the rational mind and the body urge me towards the same course of actions (find a restroom or go home) to deal with this “imminent illness”. However, the rational mind places blame on the body/anxiety vs. a true illness.

Over the last couple months, I have not been having frequent panic attacks or getting ill from anxiety/panic. I have been experiencing frequent fear about having them and the mental and bodily tension that fear brings. (Very very rarely in my life have I actually experience the physical outcomes of vomiting, or urgently needing to use the restroom from anxiety. Though of course I do sometimes actually have a stomach bug or eat something off, and those experiences seem to increase my fear of “what if this happened in a social setting”).

I have been trying to ensure these feelings and thoughts don’t gain momentum, especially fearful that if I do have a panic attack or get ill from anxiety that will add more fuel to this fire. These fears, the sensations they bring, and the efforts to calm them make everyday activities feel different, unsettling, and draining.

Research & Attempts

As this whole struggle with anxiety/panic returned to my life, I was mindful about how I responded to it. I read that it is best to continue living life as normal, that avoidance reinforces to your mind and body that those anxious thoughts and feelings are appropriate. So I continued doing activities with my Mom friends and their children, and I continued leaving the house daily with my children on errands and fun outings. I also talked to my counselor and she taught me about the vagus nerve (which helps calm your body down).

However, to my surprise and frustration, the tense feelings and images continued to occur. And not only did they continue, they began to be set off by more and more situations (eating around my husband and kids, the grocery store, even while shopping alone). My panic issues had never been so widespread before. In high school they were confined to eating around people in confided settings (a restaurant), or being in confided setting with people (a car). Life in general, outside of these situations, felt unaffected. This new spread, despite my best efforts, was very concerning me.

I was reaching a point where I felt I was no longer enjoying many of my daily activities because I felt so tense and fearful if it involved being outside of the house. I would leave the situation as if I had just been in some sort of battle, as opposed to having just gone on a fun zoo trip with the kids. And even though each event “went fine”, as I didn’t go home earlier or have to retreat to the bathroom – my body wasn’t seeming to get the messages. The next time I did the same activity, my body would again respond with heightened tension (making me feel unwell) and I had to try to reassure myself the feelings of being unwell were anxiety not illness. I had to hope this was enough to get my body to calm down. This constant struggle was draining me, and getting me down.

As these symptoms began being set off by more situations, I began experiencing them daily. Leaving the house itself caused tension and fear. I reached a point where I no longer was enjoying many of my daily activities – because I felt so tense and fearful while doing them, had to do so much mental work continuously reassuring myself the sensations I was experiencing were anxiety not illness, and had to hope my reassurance would be enough. I would leave the situation drained of energy and worn out as if I had just been in some sort of battle, as opposed to having just gone on a fun zoo trip with the kids. And even though each event “went fine”, as I didn’t go home early or have to retreat to the bathroom, my body wasn’t seeming to learn a new calm from the sucesses. The next time I did the same activity, my body would again respond with heightened tension.

Getting help – A New/Old Medicine

I am pretty resistant towards medication, probably due to it being looked down upon in my family of origin (something I am trying to move past), my belief that I can work through things with counseling and reflection, and my fear of it altering me/my brain. However, considering the direction everything was moving, I felt it was best to schedule an appointment with my doctor to discuss medication options.

Since Lexapro (Escitalopram) helped me tremendously with my anxiety 2 years ago, I assumed it would be my path again. However, going back on Lexapro didn’t feel quite right to me – my mood issues (which is why I was prescribed Lexapro originally) were so much improved, Lexapro had side effects that bothered me (emotional numbing, weight gain, etc.), and I worried it would effect my counseling which was going so well.

As I thought it all over in the days before the appointment, I remembered the medicine I took back in high school for my panic issues. It was called Hydroxyzine, and though it made me incredibly drowsy, it had helped significantly. I also knew Hydroxyzine (as opposed to Lexapro) was a take as needed medicine, which was something I preferred.

At my appointment, I discussed my symptoms with the doctor and my experiences with Lexapro and Hydroxyzine. She agreed Hydroxyzine would be a great first step. She also shared that if it didn’t help there was another anti-anxiety I could try called Buspar. It was encouraging to hear I had options I could try before going back to Lexapro.

(To be clear, I am by no means anti-Lexapro. It helped me tremendously through a very tough time for me emotionally. I am grateful for it. It brings me a sense of security knowing that if I fall back into such a dark mental space and need help it exists. I would definitely go on it again if I felt I needed it.)

June Update (2023)

In no specific order:

Mood improved, Anxiety intense

My mood has been so much better this year, more stable with less lows. So, of course, my anxiety/panic issues are high. (I’m being sarcastic with the “of course”, but it does seem neither can both be level at the same time).

The return of panic attacks, and anxiety about having panic attacks, is surprising to me. I’ve been almost completely free of them for over a decade now. I believe a case of the stomach flu in february this year is likely what started them back up again. This is because a huge trigger for me around panic attacks in the past was getting sick at times that would be really “embarrassing” or “difficult” – and of course the panic makes me nauseous making it hard to brush it all aside.

My counsellor is helping me understand that though I may never be “free” of these sorts of anxiety issues, I can learn to accept them and manage them better. They don’t mean “I can’t” be an active person, or go out with friends, or I am “broken”, etc.

I definitely struggle with these fears because I see how my Mom’s anxiety dominates her life, and has led her to be largely detached from the outside world and her loved one’s.

I’m currently in a state with my anxiety/panic that home feels safe, and “anywhere but home” feel unsafe. I’m constantly aware how long it will take me to “get home”. These sorts of thoughts and feelings make being the kind of stay at home mother I want to be, and even have been, very challenging. I fear my anxiety will take control of my life, and limit me and my family. I fear that I am following the path of my mother.

New Counsellor

I started with a new counsellor last month. I’m finally starting EMDR therapy. I’ve considered going back on Lexapro due to the return of such intense anxiety issues, but I would really prefer to do the EMDR therapy off medication.

Art

I’m spending more time drawing and painting. It makes me happy. I recently started focusing more on drawing the simple shapes of the subject of my drawing. The improvement in my art was immediate. I am excited to continue practicing this new appraoch.

One of my cats.

We see a lot of does in our neighborhood. Bucks are rare. I drew this after spotting a young one on my drive out of the neighborhood.

We got to the beach every summer with the kids. These little critters (and their footprints and sand holes) are one of our favorites to spot.

Fennec Fox the kids and I saw. He was sleeping when we visited because he’s nocturnal.

Sad News about our Cat

Over the last couple months, one of our cat’s has been vomiting much more often than her norm. We took her to the vet, and they ran a blood test and checked her over. All those were normal. They thought she may have developed a food intolerance and suggested we switched her food. Unfortunately that did not help, and she was starting to lose weight. We brought her back and they did an X-ray. It was clear there was a growth, where there shouldn’t have been. She has cancer (the vet suspects lymphoma).

She is doing well now. She still eats, is social, and climbs up to her favorite spot on the kitty condo to sun and look out the window. The vet warned us it could be a month or it could be several, but ultimately she will decline, and we are going to have to make that difficult decision.

Crohn’s Concerns

When my son was 5 he was diagnosed with juvenile arthritis. Thankfully it has only effected some of his joints on his left hand, and though they swelled and effected his movement, they caused him no pain. The medicine he has been taking since he was diagnosed has also caused the swelling to go away, and no new joints have been effected.

Unfortunately with arthritis being an autoimmune disorder, it puts my son at a higher risk for having other autoimmune disorders. And we learned from my son’s GI doctor that he will need a colonoscopy. The GI doctor ran a blood test in the hopes that the results would be low enough that we could rule out Crohn’s as the cause for some GI issues my son has (the issues don’t cause him pain, or get in the way of his daily life). However, the results came back in the unclear range (not super high, but over the cut off where there is no need for concern).

I have so much anxiety about him undergoing the procedure and the prep work the day before. Besides it all just being unpleasant, my son doesn’t do well with fasting (which is required), as his blood sugar drops too low – he turns pale, lethargic, vomits. It’s something we found out a few years ago, and since have always tried to ensure he eats good meals and goes to bed with a snack. The last low blood sugar incident he had was about a year and a half ago. His doctor think he would outgrow it, and he may have, but we’ve never tested that out. Hopefully, the sugary drinks he is allowed to drink on prep day will prevent any sort of issues.

I am praying the results will be that they see no signs of Crohn’s or anything else abnormal. If we do find out he has Crohn’s it will be a life long diagnoses and his symptoms may change over time. My son is happy, growing well, and very active – and I try to focus on that as opposed to falling into the “what its” before we even hear a diagnoses.

Close Friend Moving

One of my closest friends is moving next month. She lives across the street from us, and is a stay at home mom with 2 kids. My kids and her kids are best friends, we even got lucky and our kindergartners were in the same class. She struggles with anxiety, her relationship with her parents, she loves gardening, art, and being a mother – so we can really understand each other in many of our struggles and joys. She is about 10 years older than me, and in some ways has been somewhat of a mother figure to me.

She had been planning to stay in our neighborhood with her move, and I felt blessed our families had met and looked forward to the future. However, her husband’s job led them to having to move states away.

The loss of her family is something my whole family is anticipating with sadness.

Overall, life has been throwing my family some hard hits recently. I do feel I am handling them well. I don’t go through life as alone as I used to, God/Love is there with me and will be there with me, and truly it makes a huge difference.

An Update (May 2023)

( Draft written in May )

College Class ✅

I completed my college class a few weeks ago. I absolutely loved learning about the education of young children, and I feel it brought a new level of mindfulness and skill to my parenting. In terms of being a preschool teacher, I am still unsure about that path. But whether or not a pursue it, I am proud of my hard work in the class, and proud of the steps I am taking to figure out my future plans. There are always so many “learning paths” in any journey, and even though one could feel they were “wasted time on dead ends”, I’ve learned that where you end up is dependent on those “dead ends”. (Our house buying experience definitely hit this message home to me).

Old New News

In terms of my future path, it’s looking like I need to first figure out who I am. I feel as if I am a super divided person. I love to think. Reading philosophical books like the Brothers Karamazov and most recently the Screwtape Letters brings me a pure childlike joy. There is no question I engage in such activities because I enjoy them.

But here is the interesting part, I am starting to see there is another side of me that disapproves of the more intellectual side of me. It says “that’s selfish, you must do for others”. Maybe there is some sort of truth or guidance here, I haven’t figured that all out. But I do feel the attitude and words of this side are inappropriate and unhealthy- they are shaming. I would never want someone to speak to my children with the tone and attitude of this shaming side.

I know everything in moderation is likely key, but it seems this side believes any time I spend with my intellectual side is “time wasted”. It seems to engage in a very “black and white” mode of thinking. It asks, “Is this the type of person you want to be?”, and again there is a real tone of disapproval with it. But does enjoying reading philosophical literature make me any type of person?

That shaming side believes that spending time with those sorts of hobbies or (even worse) choosing a career path in line with that side of me is “immoral” as it “helps no one”. Is that true though? I have doubts. The shaming side seems very cornered about “being a good person” and “contributing”. That focus does seem pretty in line with my own beliefs about the importance/meaning of “love” in life.

Philosophy and Love at Odds?

I certainly hope not because it does seem that this philosophical/thought loving side of me is a large part of who I am. I majored in philosophy and psychology (and tried to minor in religious studies but didn’t end up with enough credits. So this isn’t a new hobby, or a new side of me. I used to feel it was the “broken” side of me looking for purpose and meaning. A sort of “me in desperation”. So I thought, well if I get to a healthier spot then I won’t “be like this” anymore. However it does seem, as I pay attention to what brings me joy, that I simply have a childlike curiosity and love of such things. So it’s unlikely to be a side of me that will naturally just disappear.

However, it doesn’t require much reflection to recognize that this philosophy loving and thought loving side of me is not a “natural enemy” of the “good life” as my shaming side seems to believe. For example, it was the The Brothers Karamazov, a book I forced myself to read in college by signing up for a Dostoevsky class, which planted in me messages about God and love and faith. Those messages lay dormant in me for years, and then flashed into relevance and carried me through my difficult adjustment to becoming a mother and all the realizations it brought (and still brings). The journey I started when I became a mother, is still very much the journey I am on. The seeds that book planted are still very much with me, and still growing.

So it looks like this thought loving side may be a true part of who I am, and it certainly is not solely “detrimental” to the “good life” and may well be “beneficial” to it.

Understanding the Shaming Side

As I reflect, I am becoming suspicious that the side that is shaming my thought loving side is more problematic than the thought loving side ever was. The shaming side’s chatter feels judgmental, self-attacking, and misleading.

However, as I wrote earlier, I do recognize my own values in the shaming side’s goals. I think it is connected to and trying to speak for a very real side of me. There is a positive, meaning filled drive I have to bring good to the world. To add even a step to that path towards love. Though I do feel this shaming side is doing it’s best to try to ensure I live out my deeper values, somehow it’s gone a bit off the rails. (Maybe it’s covered tightly over with anxiety, painful experiences, and self-doubt.)

I say it’s gone off the rails, because I do not believe being “unloving” and “attacking” myself is likely to ensure I follow a life of love externally. (I believe my external actions and words are likely to follow my inner world.) Furthermore the side of me being shamed, is likely a huge part of me living a good life!

The path to a balanced me, a me who takes care of myself but also cares for others, feels like such a long way off. But I keep taking steps.

Counseling

I have started counseling back up, after a few months off. We’ve had one session, and it feels different this time. I seem ready to be more open and honest emotionally. I feel I am finally ready to see who I am. But first that will require listening, as opposed to invalidating and rationalizing, the hurting sides of me.

I am starting to realize that it is not those overly emotional “hurting” sides of me that are the most damaging or problematic in my life. I am finally starting to turn my eyes to the “rational” one who is pushing them down. It presents as my protector and the one that if I follow I will live a good and happy life. It has been running the show most of my life. And it’s looking more and more like a slick oppressor of my true self (my emotions, my joys) vs a wise guiding voice.

But I do see it protects me from one thing, the sharp edge of dealing with built up emotions. I fear I won’t be able to “handle” the opening of those doors. I have important daily work I am doing as a mother to my children, I can’t collapse. There are also sides of me that don’t like to feel “weak” and “dramatic”. But I am starting to see, that in order to be who I need to be for them, myself, and anybody I love, this work has to be done. I believe this fear is simply fear. I can move through this all, the time is truely now.

And it seems like the first step of that, is allowing the emotional sides of me (tears, anger, shame, hopelessness, memories and all) as embarrassing as it is for the rational side, to show to my counselor. The truth is that rational side of me, has not been able to help them and I believe never will be able to.

The Emotional Side & The Rational Side

The emotional side is a bit stuck in the past now, and can be a bit messy. But I truly believe the most beautiful parts within me, the most real parts, lie within that emotional side. (I am curious where this belief is coming from – as I do so deeply believe it – yet it feels the side of me that believes this is very distant from me. I’d almost say I “know” it, yet struggle to personally “believe” it. Maybe I believe that about others, but not about self…. )

The rational side appears built to me, a product of my upbringing. A force that can be grown into a loving parent, but a voice that doesn’t currently have faith in the emotional sides goodness. Or at least the faith is far outweighed by the fear, the fear of the emotional side spiraling me into a pit of self sorrow and away from taking care of and providing love to those I love (away from my values).

And through I fear that possibility, I have come to a point where I have greater frustration and sadness with how this persistent and already occurring inner turmoil is distracting me from those I love and the joys of my life.

Maybe my rational side is starting to accept the mounting evidence that suppressing, belittling, ignoring, criticizing, lecturing, etc. my emotional side isn’t a rational approach to trying to live a good life.

Thoughts (April 2023)

(Written: April 2023)

Nature vs. Nurture

I often wonder whether I born internally emotionally intense and outwardly reserved, or picked these traits up from life experiences? There is an important difference between the two. If I was born this way, then it feels somewhat wrong/maybe impossible to try to “ignore” it out of me because it is inconvenient. However, if it was created in me, then it seem more straightforward I could, and maybe should, unlearn it.

I envy women who seem so softly kind and are quick to smile. A part of me wishes I was them. Wouldn’t that objectively be better for my kids? For everyone? That has never been me…It’s not that I’m unkind, more quiet, withdrawn and anxious. I was especially prone in the past to thinking people don’t like me, so I would keep emotional distance.

This led to people being unsure of exactly who I am. A girl in high school once told me, when she actually got to know me, “You know I always thought you were stuck-up before I talked to you”. I once overheard one of my suite mates in college saying to the others, “You know I can never tell what she thinks. Does she like me? Does she not?”. At the time, though it always hurt me to feel like the odd man out, I felt somewhat proud of my emotional aloofness with others.

I don’t feel that way now, and I haven’t felt that way in a long time.

But What to Do About It

I sit on the fence about this. There is a side of me that thinks,

okay it’s time to throw away the emotional music, the dramatic poetry, etc. I should avoid anything that might set off that familiar heaviness within me. It’s time to be more talkative and outgoing, and to engage in the day to day focuses of life.

Should this sides approach be applauded – as finally taking a stand against an unhealthy habit I picked up in childhood? Or is there an unhealthy self-denial in this approach. I don’t know.

Acknowledging Growth

I see a huge amount of growth in me, especially in terms of my anxiety.

This month when I went to a doctor’s appointment, I wouldn’t say I was excited, but I didn’t feel the fear in my body as intensely as I usually do. It wasn’t as overwhelming.

I also attended a field trip with my son’s class this month. The bus ride in total was around an hour. My most intense anxiety, and what can trigger panic attacks for me, has often been around being confined in a social situation where I can not “escape”. My brain starts worrying about getting sick in some way, and that panic can make me feel physically sick and actually get sick. I was super nervous before I went, and struggled to sleep the night before. But I went. I kept my brain distracted with what was occurring around me. I stayed present and calm, even when my brain started it’s anxious “what if…” line of thought. It felt wonderful to be able to go on this adventure with my son, and be present. It gave me confidence for the future.

where these thoughts leave me…

I often feel a greater sense of peace within me about some aspects of myself. I am a bit awkward, the interests closest to my heart do not make for good conversation with many people. But I am starting to see myself as I see my children – lovable as they are and living the best life when they live in harmony with who they are. Therefore, it appears misguided to attempt major changes that feel out of step with some aspect of my nature.

However, it is clear, I do feel tension around how I relate to others and how I make others feel. I want others to feel cared about and understood by me. I want them to feel comfortable with me. I want to be someone people like being around, whose presence people find enjoyable or meaningful.

It also seems clear, when reflecting on the past, that others have sometimes felt judged or unsure about my feelings towards them. Was this because of my being withdrawn? Have I changed enough since then for this to no longer be the case? I feel I have. Though I am certainly still leaning towards more withdrawn than socially engaging and easy going. My hobbies (reading, art, introspecting, etc.) are still not one’s that lend well to social activity and easy conversation topics. What percentage of these present concerns, about how I am making others feel, are reasonable? What percentage are social anxiety?

A Reset for 2023

The last 4 months of 2022 were a time of change for me. I haven’t come to understand where I am after them, and what my next steps are. I feel I am seeing my past and present more clearly now, and have to learn to accept and live from this new space.

A quick update of these changes:

September:

I tappered off my antidepressants. I went no contact with my mom.

October:

I realized my dad and brother were unsupportive of my no contact. My relationships with them were not going to develop into something new in this new space, they were becoming more difficult and distant. I for the first time truly felt, what has actually been clear all along, my family is a family where love is absent. There is some sort of system, which isn’t clear to me, which is keeping everyone silent and just chilling in this bad spot. They want me to be silent and chill to.

November:

I go to Thanksgiving at my Grandma’s, which is what I have always done. This year however I feel resistant to going, because my mom will be there. I have never shared with my extended family the dynamics of my family. I don’t want to bring issues, I want peace. But at the same time, it’s hard for me to secretly live my life. My mom approaches me at the event, and pretends everything is normal. This is what they all want me to do “accept” and “pretend everything is normal”, because “nothing can change” and “if you love someone you accept them as they are”.

At the end of the day, I feel bad that my kid’s thanksgiving was probably effected by my bad mood and heavy energy. I don’t want that for them. I also realize there is no reason for me to keep this “battle” up. I will lose it, whether it’s today or in 20 years – the end results will be the same. The only difference will be how much struggle and energy I put into the cause, and how much it effects my kid’s and husband. And if the results is the same no matter what…why not cut my loses and shift that energy elsewhere. To an area of my life which will feel meaningful to me.

I reinitiate contact with my mom.

December:

The hopelessness that allowed me to end the struggle to be seen, cared about, or loved by my parents also seems to have spread to other areas of me life. Everything feels pointless. I see my whole pathway in life was dedicated to the feelings and values of 2 people who can’t see my at all, and aren’t interested in trying to.

I feel like an idiot for not seeing this earlier. My Mom has told me multiple times over the years she never wanted kids. She said she got pressured into it by my grandma and society. She told me ever since she was little she has never wanted to be close to anyone, so I shouldn’t take our shallow relationship personally and let it hurt my feelings like I do. I recognized she had some sort of anxiety disorder when I was in high school, yet I still let her anxieties absurdly dictate my own actions. My dad has been emotionally aloof and cold, and seemingly proud of it, my whole life too. And I have been hurt by it, yet I adopted that same mantle somewhat proudly too. Why!?

Why did I listen to and follow every word and expectation they had of me! But, I think I know the answer. I suspect it is because I thought, and they did tell me, they loved me. I thought we were a family, and would always be there for each other. My dad had always said he “loves his children unconditionally” and my mom’s mantra was always “I just want you to be happy”. But now I see those words had more to do with their desired self-image, than it ever had anything to do with me. It actually angers them if I share I do not feel loved by them and have felt abandoned by them, these last couple of years, as I have struggled to adjust to motherhood.

Since initiating contact, the communication has been very low and very surface level. They seem happy with this. I feel like I have no family. Which I guess has been the case all along, but I was battling that truth…not accepting and feeling it.

Now

I just want to live as me now. And I am trying to step into that. Trying to get to know myself and make movement in directions I want. But, at first, of course, this is a bit of a struggle. So many domains of my life are set at this point. I am married. I have 2 young children. I am 32. I have no career to go back to when my kid’s go to school. I have a degree in psychology and philosophy. I have zero artistic skills development. I spent almost every moment of high school through college obsessively doing school work so I “didn’t fail”, but of course was getting great grades. I now accept I have a huge amount of social anxiety, likely from my upbringing. I don’t feel comfortable even with my friends. I feel comfortable only with books and my pets, and feel tempted to just escape into numbed out isolation. But, where would that leave my kids? I accept I have a huge amount of hurt and pain, that developed and grew in my isolation in childhood and in seeing my parent’s high conflict and unloving relationship. I have spirtual issues, due to being raised in a strictly and passionately atheist household (There was no room for exploration or personal reflection). I have low social experience, and low social skills. I have a lot of narcissistic thought patterns and tendencies, likely picked up from my dad. I seem unable to feel loved by anyone, as if the sensor is broken. Thankfully, only in the last couple years, I have started being able to love/feel love for others – though I’m clearly not skilled at it. I feel deeply broken and useless, and ashamed of my uselessness. And I fear I inevitably harm others with my difficulties and awkwardness around love and expressing love.

But NOW…

I just want to be myself. I am free now, to step into this moment. Not free of all the influences and effects of the past, but free to choose what I do next. I don’t love myself, because I do not think I’m lovable. Which I am well aware is probably an issues I need to work on. But maybe something else comes first. Maybe I need to express and live my love first. Maybe self-love blooms after? Maybe not. I’m at a really uncertain place right now. But I do know I find beauty in the world and want to help that beauty grow. The main sources of beauty that I experience everyday are my child. Can I turn away from all my heavy feelings about self and believe that I can bring good to them? And can I start opening my eyes to the beautiful sides of me that are acting in the world, and come to love myself.

In 2023, I want the past to just be what set my start point here today. I want this year to focus on where I am now and where I want to be by the end of the year. Maybe in time I can prove to myself that I can be part of, and I am part of, all the beauty I see and love in other people and the world.

I am reminded of a Vampire Weekend’s song lyric that felt sent to me and encouraged me to hope this week:

"Things have never been stranger
Things are gonna stay strange 
I remember life as a stranger
but things change"

Maybe this blog can help and reflect my “reset”

I’ll start in that spirt by sharing a watercolor I painted from a YouTube tutorial. A wonderful neighbor who I connected with over a community website, invited me to her house to paint with her. She mentioned how youtube is a great resource for learning. When I got home, I found a cute snow man tutorial.

He is a bit of a mess (like me) but I am happy with the way he turned out, and so grateful for my neighbor’s kindness and inspiration. ❤️

Sometimes, when I can find an inner peace….I know love really isn’t a complex thing. It is actually the most simple of all things.