2023

July Update – Part 3 (2023)

/ FlowIntoWords / 6 Comments

(Written July 2023)

Good Friend Moved

It was hard saying goodbye to my good friend who lived a few doors down. My kid’s and I spent time with her and her children multiple times a week. So visiting her the day before she left, felt like a normal day together, but there was a sadness underneath.

They were headed to a hotel that evening, and catching a plane the next day. We sat on the wood edging around her garden, because all her furniture was sold or packed away, while our children chased each other around the yard and collected rocks to color. It seemed my 6 year old son felt the sadness mixed in with the ordinary, as he brought rocks over to me saying they were special because his friend had drawn on them. I collected them in my pocket.

As the time for them to leave approached, I let my kid’s know it was time for us to say goodbye. We walked out of her backyard, making our way back to our house. Her and I had already exchanged some gifts earlier in the week.I had given her a framed picture collage of our children together through the year, and she had given me a perennial flower for my yard to remember them by (we both love to garden). So I was surprised, when she said she had a card for me. She went inside to grab it, then we all said our goodbyes. Her and I exchanged a quick hug, I felt a lot of emotions, but externally I kept the appearance of a normal day. Our 4 children, on their own initiative, ended up giving each other one big group hug. Children have such a natural way with affection and expressing it. I took a quick photo of this group hug. They were all smiles. It was beautiful, but it hurt my heart.

After our final goodbyes, my children and I walked home. My daughter, being 4, didn’t seem to understand what “moving” meant. But my son, once we got home and stepped inside, began to cry. He wanted to know if maybe we’d see them again later that day or tomorrow. I gently reminded him they were going to the hotel now, and weren’t coming back to the house. We hugged, and I let him know it makes sense to feel sad when we say bye to a friend who’s moving. I told him I was sad too, and was going to miss them. I reassured him that we would keep in touch with our friends by talking on the phone and letters.

Once we were settled in the house, with the first free moment I had, I opened the card from my friend. It was full of kind words for my family and me – how sweet the children are, how thankful she was we met, and how she knew she’d found a “lifelong friend”. After this quick read through, I put the card away. It reminded me of heartfelt letters I’d written before, and the heartfelt words I could have written/said to her – but hadn’t.

Numb

The truth was I had felt mixed up and numb the days before she left, and especially the day she left (I spent most the day distracting myself with a puzzle). It was a mix of disappointment (she had originally planned to stay in the neighborhood), irrational hurt feelings, denial they were moving, and hidden underneath the lack of belief we were friends.

Well, I knew we were “friends”, but I guess deep down I assumed she was friends with me only because our children are friends. It doesn’t make a lot of sense that I would believe this. Her and I have a lot in common. We’d done the hard work of finding childfree time to grab brunch together. We’d talked in depth about our lives and feelings in person and over the phone. We were friends.

But deep down, I just never feel anyone likes ME. The attitude is, I don’t want to embarrassed myself by seeming too close, because I know the truth – this person doesn’t like me that much. I think these feelings might contribute to why I sort of numbed out when she left. It’s like all my true feelings of sadness and friendship, get unconsciously blocked, by this belief that “she doesn’t really feel close to me”. My true feelings end up being “uncomfortable” to feel, and certainly too “uncomfortable”/”embarrassing” to express.

Overall, I feel disappointed and a bit frustrated with my struggle to be vulnerable with people. I know vulnerability is what builds close relationships. Hopefully, this observation of my default mode, will allow me to make healthy changes – to practice finding and connecting to my true feeling and practice express them.

Counseling (EMDR) – Finally

My current counsellor seems to be a wonderful match. I feel understood, and her words and guidance get me thinking. She challenges me.

I have finally, after over a year of planning to (it’s a long story), started EMDR. It has been going well. I cry a lot during EMDR, much more so than in regular counseling. It seems to open the doors to my emotional mind, so my deepest emotions are able to flow right before me. This allows my “observing”/”thinking” mind to see what’s actually within me.

It sounds super simple, but direct access to my emotional mind/body is a challenge to me. On my own I tend to get stuck in an “intellectualizing” mode – and don’t really FEEL, unless it’s “rational”. I used to pride myself on this, but now it frustrates me. How can I care for myself, if I can’t even connect with myself? And certainly, probably most of me, is not rational.

I am not left alone with these uncovered emotions after my sessions either. To my surprise my “thinking” brain has been mostly accepting and trying to processing these uncovered emotions. I am thankful for this! It isn’t the norm for my “thinking” mind to validate and give good faith energy to trying to understand and help my emotional self. The early signs of teamwork between my thinking side and emotional side are appearing. Maybe that is the direction I am headed – living a more unified inner life.

Signs Of Change In Interactions With Others

Recently a friend (not the one who moved) reached out to meet up with our kids. I knew my daughter would love to go, and it had been awhile since my friend and I met up. The only problem was, I had already told myself that morning that needed to take the day slow. I was noticing physical symptoms from my anxiety. I had planned to stick around the house and catch up on chores and relax.

Old me, would just go. I’d worry that saying no may hurt her feelings (especially since it’d been awhile since we talked or met up), and I’d feel guilty I made my daughter miss out on a fun outing with friends. I’d discount my needs, or think it displayed strength/selflessness to push through them.

But new me, opened up with this friend about my son’s upcoming procedure, my cat’s health, and my level of anxiety right now. It was a difficult text for me to write up and send. It left me feeling open to being judged as “dramatic”. I felt vulnerable. But, honesty just felt like the healthiest path to take – so after a lot of thinking and rethinking I sent the text. I tried to reassure myself that if she judged me that would simply be unkindness on her part.

Of course, her response was all kindness. She actually ended up being a huge support for me in those weeks leading up to my son’s procedure. She check in with me, and said she was praying for us. She brought by blessed bread for my son, and gave me a hug.

That early morning at the hospital, just as we walked through the doors, a text from her came through. She shared a long personal prayer for everything to go well. It meant so much to me to have her support. I found that opening up and being honest, led not to rejection and judgement, but love and support.

This all happened shortly after my friend from down the street moved. So maybe I am learning to adventure more into vulnerability, and maybe I will find that though it’s scary, it’s also rewarding. Which will maybe make it less intimidating….someday.

June Update (2023)

/ FlowIntoWords / 16 Comments

In no specific order:

Mood improved, Anxiety intense

My mood has been so much better this year, more stable with less lows. So, of course, my anxiety/panic issues are high. (I’m being sarcastic with the “of course”, but it does seem neither can both be level at the same time).

The return of panic attacks, and anxiety about having panic attacks, is surprising to me. I’ve been almost completely free of them for over a decade now. I believe a case of the stomach flu in february this year is likely what started them back up again. This is because a huge trigger for me around panic attacks in the past was getting sick at times that would be really “embarrassing” or “difficult” – and of course the panic makes me nauseous making it hard to brush it all aside.

My counsellor is helping me understand that though I may never be “free” of these sorts of anxiety issues, I can learn to accept them and manage them better. They don’t mean “I can’t” be an active person, or go out with friends, or I am “broken”, etc.

I definitely struggle with these fears because I see how my Mom’s anxiety dominates her life, and has led her to be largely detached from the outside world and her loved one’s.

I’m currently in a state with my anxiety/panic that home feels safe, and “anywhere but home” feel unsafe. I’m constantly aware how long it will take me to “get home”. These sorts of thoughts and feelings make being the kind of stay at home mother I want to be, and even have been, very challenging. I fear my anxiety will take control of my life, and limit me and my family. I fear that I am following the path of my mother.

New Counsellor

I started with a new counsellor last month. I’m finally starting EMDR therapy. I’ve considered going back on Lexapro due to the return of such intense anxiety issues, but I would really prefer to do the EMDR therapy off medication.

Art

I’m spending more time drawing and painting. It makes me happy. I recently started focusing more on drawing the simple shapes of the subject of my drawing. The improvement in my art was immediate. I am excited to continue practicing this new appraoch.

One of my cats.

We see a lot of does in our neighborhood. Bucks are rare. I drew this after spotting a young one on my drive out of the neighborhood.

We got to the beach every summer with the kids. These little critters (and their footprints and sand holes) are one of our favorites to spot.

Fennec Fox the kids and I saw. He was sleeping when we visited because he’s nocturnal.

Sad News about our Cat

Over the last couple months, one of our cat’s has been vomiting much more often than her norm. We took her to the vet, and they ran a blood test and checked her over. All those were normal. They thought she may have developed a food intolerance and suggested we switched her food. Unfortunately that did not help, and she was starting to lose weight. We brought her back and they did an X-ray. It was clear there was a growth, where there shouldn’t have been. She has cancer (the vet suspects lymphoma).

She is doing well now. She still eats, is social, and climbs up to her favorite spot on the kitty condo to sun and look out the window. The vet warned us it could be a month or it could be several, but ultimately she will decline, and we are going to have to make that difficult decision.

Crohn’s Concerns

When my son was 5 he was diagnosed with juvenile arthritis. Thankfully it has only effected some of his joints on his left hand, and though they swelled and effected his movement, they caused him no pain. The medicine he has been taking since he was diagnosed has also caused the swelling to go away, and no new joints have been effected.

Unfortunately with arthritis being an autoimmune disorder, it puts my son at a higher risk for having other autoimmune disorders. And we learned from my son’s GI doctor that he will need a colonoscopy. The GI doctor ran a blood test in the hopes that the results would be low enough that we could rule out Crohn’s as the cause for some GI issues my son has (the issues don’t cause him pain, or get in the way of his daily life). However, the results came back in the unclear range (not super high, but over the cut off where there is no need for concern).

I have so much anxiety about him undergoing the procedure and the prep work the day before. Besides it all just being unpleasant, my son doesn’t do well with fasting (which is required), as his blood sugar drops too low – he turns pale, lethargic, vomits. It’s something we found out a few years ago, and since have always tried to ensure he eats good meals and goes to bed with a snack. The last low blood sugar incident he had was about a year and a half ago. His doctor think he would outgrow it, and he may have, but we’ve never tested that out. Hopefully, the sugary drinks he is allowed to drink on prep day will prevent any sort of issues.

I am praying the results will be that they see no signs of Crohn’s or anything else abnormal. If we do find out he has Crohn’s it will be a life long diagnoses and his symptoms may change over time. My son is happy, growing well, and very active – and I try to focus on that as opposed to falling into the “what its” before we even hear a diagnoses.

Close Friend Moving

One of my closest friends is moving next month. She lives across the street from us, and is a stay at home mom with 2 kids. My kids and her kids are best friends, we even got lucky and our kindergartners were in the same class. She struggles with anxiety, her relationship with her parents, she loves gardening, art, and being a mother – so we can really understand each other in many of our struggles and joys. She is about 10 years older than me, and in some ways has been somewhat of a mother figure to me.

She had been planning to stay in our neighborhood with her move, and I felt blessed our families had met and looked forward to the future. However, her husband’s job led them to having to move states away.

The loss of her family is something my whole family is anticipating with sadness.

Overall, life has been throwing my family some hard hits recently. I do feel I am handling them well. I don’t go through life as alone as I used to, God/Love is there with me and will be there with me, and truly it makes a huge difference.